THE WEST WING
"PILOT"
WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: THOMAS SCHLAMME


ACT ONE

WAITER [VO]
Two Absolut Martinis up; another Dewars rocks.

FADE IN: INT. FOUR SEASONS HOTEL - GEORGETOWN - NIGHT
SAM SEABORN is sitting with a reporter, BILLY KENWORTHY, in the bar.

SAM SEABORN
I don't think we're going to run the table, if that's what you're asking.

BILLY KENWORTHY [OS]
It's not.

SAM
I know.

BILLY [OS]
Deep background. I'm not going to come close to using your name.

SAM
[laughs] You're not going to come close to getting a quote, either.

BILLY
Why are we sitting here?

SAM
[taking a drink] You sat down.

BILLY
Is Josh on his way out?

SAM
No.

BILLY
Is he?

SAM
No.

BILLY
I know he's your friend.

SAM
He is.

BILLY
Did Caldwell say...?

SAM
Billy, I'm not talking about this.

BILLY
Who do I call?

SAM
No one.

BILLY
Just tell me who to call.

SAM
Well, you could call 1-800-BITE-ME.

BILLY
Sam.

SAM
He's not going anywhere, Billy. It's a non-story.

BILLY
Okay. You're lying now, aren't you?

SAM
That hurts, Billy. Why would I lie to a journalist of all people?

BILLY
Why do you keep looking over my shoulder?

SAM
Why?

BILLY
Yes.

SAM
'Cause Alger Hiss just walked in with my secret pumpkin.

BILLY
What?

SAM
There's a woman over there. I think she's looking at me.

BILLY
Really?

SAM
I don't know. I never know if they're looking or not.

Billy turns 180 degrees to see a woman sitting on a couch with a drink. She
looks
to see him obviously eying at her. Sam sighs.

BILLY
Yeah, I think she was.

SAM
I want to thank you for the casual way that you did that just now. She probably
didn't notice that.

Sam makes eye contact with the woman and smiles.

CUT TO: EXT. DAWN RISING OVER LARGE TUDOR STYLE HOUSE - DAY
CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
LEO McGARRY is doing a crossword puzzle while eating breakfast. A television is
turned on to the news.

LEO McGARRY
17 across is wrong. It's just wrong. Do you believe that Ruth?

RUTH
You should call them.

LEO
I will call them.

WOMAN [OS]
Telephone, Leo.

LEO
I'm in the shower.

WOMAN [OS]
It's POTUS.

LEO
[sits down and picks up the phone] Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. HEALTH CLUB - DAY

C.J. CREGG is running on a treadmill while talking to the man using the
treadmill
next to her.

C.J. CREGG
You can have a normal life. You'd be amazed at how normal I can be. See,
it's all
about budgeting your time. This time, this hour, this is my time. Five
a.m. to six
a.m. I can workout, as you see. I can think about personal matters. I can
meet an
interesting man. [Her beeper goes off.] The trick is...

MAN
Your beeper's going.

C.J.
What?

MAN
I think your beeper is going.

C.J. checks her beeper while still running on the treadmill. What she finds
on her
beeper is distracting, however, and she falls off the machine.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH LYMAN'S OFFICE - DARK
In the dark office, JOSH LYMAN is asleep at his cluttered desk as a custodian
vacuums the floor. His beeper goes off, waking him up. He checks his beeper,
then
picks up the phone and quickly dials.

JOSH
Yeah. This is Josh Lyman. What's going on?

CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE CABIN - DARK
The shades are drawn and many of the passengers are sleeping, except TOBY
ZIEGLER,
who is busy typing on his laptop.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 1 [VO]
We ask at this time that you turn off all electronic devices, stow your
tray tables
and return your setbacks to the full and upright position. We will be landing
shortly at Washington-Dulles Airport.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2
[approaches Toby] Sir, I need you to turn off your computer.

TOBY ZIEGLER
I'm just about done.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2
I need you to turn off your laptop, sir. It interferes with our navigational
systems.

TOBY
You know when you guys say that, it sounds ridiculous to most people, right?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2
Sir...

Another Flight Attendant approaches.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 3
Mr. Ziegler? A message was just patched up to the cockpit for you. I'm not sure
I've got it right. POTUS in a bicycle accident?

TOBY
[stops typing and looks up] You got it right. [reaches for his cell phone]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2
You can't use your phone until we land, sir.

TOBY
We're flying in a Lockheed eagle series L-1011. It came off the line 20
months ago
and carries a Sim-5 Transponder tracking system. Are you telling me I can still
flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2
You can call when we land, sir.

TOBY
[calling as she walks away] Also, I never got my peanuts.

CUT TO:

INT. A BEDROOM - DAY

Lying on the bed is the woman in the bar. Her name is LAURIE. She is lying
on the
bed smoking pot.

LAURIE
How ya doing, Sam?

SAM [OS]
Let me tell you something. The water pressure in here is really impressive.

LAURIE
I know.

SAM
[walking out of the bathroom, having taken a shower] You could run hydraulics
in here.

LAURIE
Want some? [referring to pot]

SAM
I'm fine.

LAURIE
I'm wasted.

SAM
And probably free of cataracts.

LAURIE
I get that. That's funny.

SAM
Thank you.

LAURIE
Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Your message -- your pager went off while you were in the
shower. I hit the button because I thought it was mine.

Sam reads the beeper, while Laurie recites the message.

LAURIE
'POTUS in a bicycle accident. Come to the office.'

Sam rushes to get dressed.

LAURIE [cont.]
I memorized it just in case I erased it on accident. [looks at both her
and Sam's
pager, comparing them] These things look exactly alike. Anyway, like I
said, I'm
totally baked. But um -- no, it's not like I'm a drug person. I just love pot.

SAM
[slightly preoccupied] Um, Laurie, I to have to go.

LAURIE
You're kidding me. It's five thirty in the morning.

SAM
I know this doesn't look good.

LAURIE
Not that good. No.

SAM
You know what? I really like you. And if you give me your number, I'd like
to call you.

LAURIE
Stay right here and save yourself a call.

SAM
It's not that I don't see the logic in that, but I really gotta go.

LAURIE
'Cause POTUS was in a bicycle accident?

SAM
Yup.

LAURIE
[writes her number on a piece of paper, grabs one of the beepers and puts
them in
Sam's shirt pocket, while giving him a kiss] Tell your friend, POTUS, he's
got a
funny name. And he should learn how to ride a bicycle.

SAM
I would, but he's not my friend, he's my boss; and it's not his name, it's
his title.

LAURIE
POTUS?

SAM
President of the United States. I'll call you.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NORTHWEST LOBBY - DAY
Leo walks past several security checks and continues down the hallway. He
passes a
security officer, Mike, who is sitting behind a desk.

MIKE
It's a nice morning, Mr. McGarry.

LEO
We'll take care of that in a hurry. Won't we, Mike?

MIKE
Yes, sir.

BONNIE
Don't kill the messenger, Leo. [hands him some papers]

LEO
Oh, why the hell not, Bonnie?

BONNIE
Five minutes.

LEO
Please. [continues through JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA] Hey, Emma.

EMMA
Morning.

LEO
Wilson.

WILSON
Hey, Leo.

LEO
Joe.

JEFFREY
It's Jeffrey.

LEO
Whatever.

He winds up at the desk of DONNA MOSS.

LEO
[calls] Josh!

DONNA MOSS
Morning, Leo.

LEO
Hey, Donna. Is he in yet?

DONNA
[stirring her coffee] Yeah.

LEO
Can you get him?

DONNA
[yells] Josh!

LEO
Thanks.

DONNA
I heard it's broken.

LEO
You heard wrong.

DONNA
I heard--

LEO
It's a mild sprain. He'll be back later today.

DONNA
And what was the cause of the accident?

LEO
What are you, from State Farm? Go. Do a job, would ya?

DONNA
I'm just...

LEO
He was swerving to avoid a tree.

DONNA
And what happened?

LEO
He was unsuccessful.

Leo walks into JOSH'S OFFICE.

JOSH
[talking on the phone] Yeah. That's fine. Just don't do anything until Justice.
Okay, bye. [hangs up the phone] Hey.

LEO
How many Cubans, exactly, have crammed themselves into these fishing boats?

JOSH
It's important to understand, Leo, that by and large, these aren't fishing
boats.
You hear fishing boats, you conjure an image of -- well, of a boat, first
of all.
What the Cubans are on would charitably be described as rafts. Okay? They're
making
the hop from Havana to Miami in fruit baskets, basically. Let's just be
clear on that.

LEO
We are.

JOSH
Donna's desk, if it could float, would look good to them right now.

LEO
I get it. How many are there?

JOSH
We don't know.

LEO
What time, exactly, did they leave?

JOSH
We don't know.

LEO
Do we know when they get here?

JOSH
No.

LEO
True or False: If I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good
pair of
binoculars, I would be as informed as I am right now.

JOSH
That's true.

LEO
The intelligence budget's money well spent, isn't it?

They begin to walk through the busy HALLWAY continuing their conversation.

JOSH
Tell them to send the Coast Guard, Leo.

LEO
The Coast Guard won't...

JOSH
I understand! But, they're never going to make it to our territorial waters.

LEO
Thank you.

JOSH
What if the D.A. suspected they had drugs?

LEO
Does the D.A. suspect they have drugs?

JOSH
We could make a phone call.

LEO
Josh!

JOSH
If the D.A. or Navy Intel thought the Cubans were bringing in drugs,
wouldn't we
have to go out there and search those rafts with, you know, guns and blankets?

LEO
You look like hell. You know that, don't you?

JOSH
Yes. I do. Listen, Leo. Did he say anything?

LEO
Did he say anything?! The President's pissed as hell at you, Josh. And so am I.

JOSH
[sighs] I know.

LEO
You gotta work with these people. And where the hell do you get off strutting
your...

They are walking through the ROOSEVELT ROOM.

JOSH
I know.

LEO
Al Caldwell is a good man.

JOSH
Al Caldwell wasn't there.

LEO
I'm saying, you take everyone on the Christian Right, dump them into one
big pile,
and label them 'stupid'. We need these people.

JOSH
We do not need these people.

LEO
Josh.

JOSH
We need Al Caldwell. We want Al Caldwell. We do not need John Van Dyke. And
we do
not need Mary Marsh.

LEO
And I think there shouldn't be instant replay in football, but that' s not
my call,
now, is it?

JOSH
[stops walking, while Leo continues on] It was stupid.

LEO
Damn straight.

JOSH
I was right, though.

LEO
[talking to himself] Like I don't know that.

Leo walks into the OUTER OVAL OFFICE where MRS. LANDINGHAM stands up from
her desk.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Oh, Mr. McGarry. Have they done an X-Ray?

LEO
Yup.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Is anything broken?

LEO
A $4,000 Lynex Titanium touring bike that I swore I'd never lend anyone.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[following Leo into the OVAL OFFICE] I don't understand. How did he...?

LEO
He's a klutz, Mrs. Landingham. Your President's a geek.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Mr. McGarry, you know how I feel about that kind of talk in the Oval Office.

LEO
I apologize.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Just in this room, Mr. McGarry. That's all I'm asking.

LEO
Yes. [walks out of the Oval Office and sees Bonnie] Oh, Bonnie. Call
O.E.O.B. and
set up a briefing for the Vice President. Let's coordinate with Katie
Simon's office
on the appointments.

BONNIE
Should I get everybody in?

LEO
Yeah! [He walks into his office.] Margaret. Please call the editor of the
New York
Times crossword and tell him that 'Khaddafi' is spelled with an h, and two
d's, and
isn't a seven letter word for anything.

MARGARET
Is this for real? Or is this just funny?

LEO
Apparently, it's neither.

LEO'S OFFICE. The senior staff is beginning to gather. Several secretaries and
assistants wonder in and out of the office.

C.J.
Is there anything I can say, other than the President rode his bicycle into
a tree?

LEO
He hopes never to do it again.

C.J.
Seriously. They're laughing pretty hard.

LEO
He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J.. What do you want me to -- 'The
President,
while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden
arboreal
stop' -- What do you want from me?

C.J.
A little love, Leo.

LEO
[to Sam] What do you know about the Cubans?

SAM
I don't know anymore than Josh. Somewhere between 1200 and 2000 Cubans began
embarking from a fishing village 30 miles South of Havana.

STAFFER
Where are they headed?

JOSH
Vegas.

SAM
Miami. Though, it's not clear how sophisticated their navigation equipment is.

JOSH
Navigational equipment? That way is North, I think is pretty...

C.J.
Josh.

JOSH
C.J., if one of these guys could throw a split fingered fastball, we'd send
in the
USS Eisenhower.

C.J.
That's not entirely true.

TOBY
Oh, for God's sake. Forget about the journey. Okay? The voyage is not our
problem.

C.J.
What's our problem?

TOBY
What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get-Me-The-Hell-Outta-Here
hit Miami.

LEO
Sam?

SAM
Can't send them back. They'll go to jail, if they're lucky.

TOBY
We'll get whacked in what? At least...

SAM
Three congressional districts. Dade County.

TOBY
Those seats are gone.

JOSH
Not to mention the fact that it's wrong.

SAM
Plus that.

JOSH
What about Texas?

SAM
I wouldn't worry about it.

LEO
Keep Josh in the loop on this throughout the day.

SAM
Me?

LEO
Yeah.

SAM
The thing is, my day is a little tight...

TOBY
Deal with it.

SAM
And I'm happy to. It's just that...

LEO
Sam.

SAM
I'm just saying, isn't this more of a military area?

The room goes silent as everyone digests Sam's argument in shock.

LEO
Military?

SAM
Yeah.

TOBY
You think the United States is under attack from 1200 Cubans in rowboats?

SAM
I'm not saying I don't like our chances.

TOBY
Mind-boggling to me that we ever won an election.

LEO
Pat Thomas wants to call up the Guard.

JOSH
He shouldn't.

SAM
He's right.

C.J.
You send in the Guard, you create a panic situation.

TOBY
I agree with Josh. And I agree with C.J.. And I agree with Sam. And you
know how
that makes me crazy.

LEO
Yeah...

TOBY
They're running for their lives. You don't have to start a game of Red
Rover with
Castro. But you don't send in the National Guard. You send food and you
send doctors.

JOSH
Sam, see that I.N.S. is working with the Red Cross and the Centers for
Disease Control.

SAM
I've got my guy from CDC on the phone right...

LEO
Go. Talk to him.

SAM
Talk to him. [leaves]

LEO
Moving on. Let's talk about Josh.

CUT TO: INT. PRESS ROOM - DAY
Reporters are milling about. Billy is talking to a female reporter.

BILLY
Al Caldwell scares the hell out of the President, and Josh knows it.

WOMAN
He's not going to fire him.

BILLY
He's got no choice.

WOMAN
Billy, the President's not going to fire Josh Lyman.

BILLY
He doesn't have a choice.

Buzzer sounds to announce the start of a press briefing. They start to walk
to the
Briefing Room.

BILLY
[continuing] Listen, I had drinks with Sam Seaborn last night.

WOMAN
And Sam said that the President was going to fire Josh?

BILLY
He needs these people. He's going to have to give them Josh.

C.J.
[walks to the podium and begins to address The White House Press Corps]
Folks? Folks?

WOMAN
Billy, what do you think if he just--

BILLY
He doesn't have a choice.

C.J.
Good morning. Dr. Randall Haymen, H-A-Y-M-E-N, chief of orthopedics at
St. John's
Hospital has diagnosed the President with a mild sprain in his left ankle
sustained
while cycling into a large cyprus tree.

The Press Corps laughs.

C.J.
Details can be found in the full report that Linda and Susanne are
distributing.
Along with pool photographs of the President resisting help from a Secret
Service
agent, then falling down again. By all means, enjoy yourselves. Item
number two.

CHRIS
C.J., has the President...?

C.J.
It's a light day, Chris. Let's just get through this, then I'll take a couple
questions. Item number two, the Association of Retired...

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY
All of the lights are out. Josh flips on a television and starts a video tape.
It is of a round table discussion show called 'Capitol Beat.' On the show, Josh
is sitting next to MARY MARSH.

JOSH [on video]
--none of your business. Look, if 38 states...

MARY [on video]
No. Well, I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to,
Mr. Lyman.
Not any God I pray to.

JOSH [on video]
Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud.
[rewinds the tape back]

MARY [on video]
I can tell you that you don't believe in any God I pray to, Mr. Lyman. Not
any God
I pray to.

JOSH [on video]
Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud. [rewinds
again]
Lady, the God you pray to is too busy being indicted-

DONNA
[enters the office, holding a coffee mug] You shouldn't have worn that tie on
television. It bleeds.

JOSH
I don't think it was the tie that got me in trouble.

DONNA
No, but I've told you a zillion times.

JOSH
What's that?

DONNA
It's coffee.

JOSH
Thought so.

DONNA
I brought you some coffee.

JOSH
What's going on, Donna?

DONNA
Nothing's going on.

JOSH
Donna.

DONNA
I brought you some coffee.

JOSH
Close the door. [Donna sets the coffee on his desk and closes the door.]
Donnatella Moss, when did you start working for me?

DONNA
Um, during the campaign.

JOSH
And how long have you been my assistant?

DONNA
A year and a half.

JOSH
And when was the last time you brought me a cup of coffee? [beat] It was never.
You've never brought me a cup of coffee.

DONNA
Well, if you're going to make a big deal out of it...

JOSH
Donna. If I get fired, I get fired.

DONNA
Do you think he's going to do it?

JOSH
[beat] No.

A knock on the door.

TOBY [OS]
It's Toby.

DONNA
You won that election for him. You, and Leo, and C.J., and Sam.

More knocks on the door.

TOBY [OS]
Open the damn door.

DONNA
[whispering] And him. [opens the door to reveal Toby and walks out of
the office]

JOSH
Thanks for the coffee.

DONNA
You're welcome.

TOBY
Donna brought you coffee?

DONNA [OS]
Shut up.

JOSH
'Sup?

TOBY
[shutting the door] What did I tell you before you went on the air yesterday?

JOSH
You said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.'

TOBY
I said, 'don't get cute with Mary Marsh.' I said Al Caldwell is not to
be treated
like some revival tent clown.

JOSH
Al Caldwell wasn't there.

TOBY
He sure as hell was watching.

JOSH
Look, I already took Leo's morning beating. What do you want?

TOBY
I want you to keep your job.

JOSH
[beat] How?

TOBY
I'm going to make a suggestion, which might help you out. But I don't want this
gesture to be mistaken for an indication that I like you.

JOSH
I understand.

TOBY
In preparation for the Sunday morning radio address on family values...

JOSH
When did that get on the schedule?

TOBY
Listen to me for a second...

JOSH
When did it get on the schedule?

TOBY
It's the regular Sunday morning...

JOSH
[raising his voice] Yeah, but when did we schedule family values?

TOBY
We scheduled it, Josh, after your smug, taunting, you know, calamitous
performance
on 'Capitol Beat.' [beat] America for better families. The AAF and Al Caldwell.
Mary Marsh. I've invited them all for coffee this afternoon, along with
a couple
of speechwriters to talk about...

JOSH
What they want to hear.

TOBY
Yes. Yes, sir.

JOSH
If you listen carefully, you can hear two centuries of Presidents rolling
over in
their graves.

TOBY
Come to the meeting.

JOSH
No!

TOBY
Come to the meeting and be nice.

JOSH
Why?

TOBY
So C.J. can put it in the papers...

JOSH
[raising his voice] Al Caldwell is friends with bad people! I think he
should say
so for the common good. Screw politics! How about that?

TOBY
[raising his voice] You don't run social policy for this government. How
'bout that!

JOSH
Toby!

TOBY
I'm in charge of the message around here. It's my job to tell the President
that
the best thing he could do, from a PR standpoint, is to show you the
door. [beat]
Come to the meeting. Be nice. Keep your job.

JOSH
[softly] I'll be there.

TOBY
[remembering] Oh, take a look at this. [hands Josh a newspaper clipping]

JOSH
What's that?

TOBY
One of the kids from the newsroom clipped that from the Journal this morning.
Guess who's leaving Lennox-Chase to start consulting in town? She's leasing
offices downtown. She starts today.

JOSH
Who's she working for?

TOBY
[smiles] I'm checking it out.

Toby leaves the office as Josh sits down, still looking at the newspaper
clipping.

JOSH
[to himself] That's a good picture of her.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: EXT. WASHINGTON STREET - DAY
MANDY HAMPTON is driving a silver convertible very fast, while talking on
her cell phone.

MANDY
[on the phone] Bruce? Bruce? Bruce! I may have just gotten back into the
business
this morning, but I didn't come by way of a turnip truck, you know what
I'm saying?
[pause] You jerk me around on this, and I'm going to get cranky right in
your face.
Now, I was your source on 443. Big, fat byline. Above the fold. So, I
think it's
time to play 'What have you done for me lately.' Look, I don't want to
hear you're
going to try, Bruce. This isn't gym class.

A police officer on motorcycle watches Mandy run a red light and follows her,
his siren blaring.

MANDY
[on the phone] I said, gym class. Gym class! [pulls her car to the side of
the road
and stops, still talking to Bruce.] Bruce, Bruce! 'Cause it's important in
gym to
try, but it is not necessarily- Look, Bruce. It was a simple metaphor. Now
listen
up! Now, you're misinterpreting me and you're misinterpreting the Senator. And
it's
bush league for the party. And it's beneath even you're newspaper.

POLICE OFFICER
[approaches] You know you ran a red light back there.

MANDY
[turns away, still on the phone] Come on. Bruce, please. You huckling me out,
I just
wanna make you cry like a girl.

POLICE OFFICER
Put the phone down, please!

MANDY
Listen, I'm under arrest. I'm going to have to call you back, Bruce.

CUT TO: INT. ROOSEVELT ROOM- DAY
Leo is meeting with economic advisors.

FRED
A two and a half percent in the third quarter at the end of the fiscal year.

LEO
That's fine, but the President's gonna look at the WBO revenue analysis and say
that economists were put on this planet to make astrologers look good.

Josh walks into the room as several people in the room laugh.

FRED
Leo...

LEO
Luther. Ballpark. One year from today. Where's the Dow?

LUTHER
Tremendous. Up a thousand.

LEO
Fred. One year from today.

FRED
Not good. Down a thousand.

LEO
A year from today at least one of you is gonna look pretty stupid.

LUTHER
Can we go now?

LEO
Oh, go. Get out. [The economists all leave.]

SAM
[walks in] There's a storm system moving into the South Florida area.

LEO
See, with any luck the Cubans'll turn around and live to defect another day.

JOSH
Yeah, 'cause they're probably all tuned to the National Weather Service,
but that's
not what I'm here for.

LEO
What's on your mind?

JOSH
We've gotta look at the whole field for a minute, 'cause I think we're about to
get tagged.

LEO
With regard to what?

JOSH
Re-election.

LEO
Oh, we're not there.

JOSH
Don't let Lloyd Russell push us around on Medicare or medium range missiles.

LEO
You're taking Lloyd Russell too seriously.

SAM
His numbers are starting to get interesting.

JOSH
Hollywood likes him. He can raise money.

LEO
We're not there yet.

JOSH
30 second hypothetical: You're Lloyd Russell, newly crowned prince of the White
suburban woman, the upper middle class Black man and teacher's union. You're no
friend to the sitting President. What do you do?

LEO
Put together an exploratory committee.

JOSH
And who do you get to run it?

LEO
You.

JOSH
I already got a job.

LEO
For the moment.

JOSH
Who do you get?

LEO
Well, if I could get Mandy to leave 900,000 a year at Lennox-Chase, I'd
get Mandy.

JOSH
You'd be smart.

LEO
[to Sam] Hey, come to think of it, you think she'd be interested in his job?

JOSH
You're in luck.

LEO
She's in town?

JOSH
Just got here today.

LEO
What she doing?

JOSH
Working for Lloyd Russell.

LEO
[digests the new information then calls] Margaret! Get me Senator Russell's
office
on the phone.

Josh and Sam stand in the doorway and watch Leo leave.

SAM
Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?

JOSH
Yeah. [beat] You?

SAM
Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. DINER - DAY
At the bar, two female college students are gazing over at a table off screen.

STUDENT 1
I think it's him.

STUDENT 2
It is.

STUDENT 1
Okay. I'm going over there.

The two students grab a magazine from their table as we follow them over
to where
Josh and Mandy are sitting.

STUDENT 2
Excuse me.

STUDENT 1
We're sorry to interrupt your lunch...

STUDENT 2
We're juniors at Florida State...

STUDENT 1
We're with this poly-sci group...

STUDENT 2
Anyway...

STUDENT 1
Anyway, we just wanted to say that we think you're excellent, and could we have
your autograph. [hands Josh a magazine, which he takes and starts to sign]

JOSH
Sure. [nodding over with his head as he writes] This is Mandy Hampton. She's
excellent, too.

STUDENT 1
From the campaign?

STUDENT 2
Didn't you two used to be a thing?

STUDENT 1
Jennifer!

STUDENT 2
Sorry.

JOSH
She used to steal money from me.

STUDENT 1
Really?

JOSH
Yeah. Thanks a lot for stopping by.

STUDENTS
Thanks.

JOSH
Sure.

STUDENTS
Bye.

JOSH
See ya. [The students leave.]

MANDY
Listen. You called me. What do you wanna know? Is Lloyd gonna run?

JOSH
I really don't care one way or the other. He's a lightweight. I just...

MANDY
You don't like him.

JOSH
Not when I can't use him. No. I just wanna know how much trouble he's gonna
be on
the budget surplus.

MANDY
You should get to know him.

JOSH
I have enough friends.

MANDY
Not these days you don't.

JOSH
Please, Mandy. It's not like these people were in our camp to begin with.

MANDY
That's right, Josh, and they've been waiting for you to trip over your
mouth and
you handed it to them. It's Christmas morning for Mary Marsh. [pause] You're a
Fulbright Scholar, are you honestly the only adult in America who doesn't think
you're about to be fired? Do what Toby's telling you to do.

JOSH
Did you just call him Lloyd?

MANDY
Who?

JOSH
Senator Russell.

MANDY
When?

JOSH
A minute ago. You said "What do you wanna know? Is-is Lloyd gonna run"?

MANDY
I don't remember. What does it...?

JOSH
It's unusual for you that you would call a Senator by his first name to a
third party.

MANDY
A third party?

JOSH
You know what I'm saying.

MANDY
No, but as long as one of us does...

JOSH
You're dating Lloyd Russell.

MANDY
Yes.

JOSH
[pause] Wow. That's great.

MANDY
Are you gonna freak out?

JOSH
No, no, no. Not at all. It's just -- I always thought he was gay.

MANDY
No you didn't.

JOSH
I did.

MANDY
He's not gay.

JOSH
You sure?

MANDY
Very sure.

JOSH
He always seemed effeminate to me.

MANDY
He happens to be very athletic. Plenty masculine.

JOSH
I think he's a woman.

MANDY
Josh, take me seriously.

JOSH
I do.

MANDY
The New York Times is gonna release a poll in the next few days that
brings your
unfavorables up to 48%.

JOSH
This is the first I'm hearing of it.

MANDY
You'll have it in about an hour.

JOSH
Where'd you get this?

MANDY
We don't play for the same team anymore.

JOSH
Wait a minute. One minute you're giving me career advice, the next minute
you're
telling me we don't play for...

MANDY
I'm here for a while. And I want you at your fighting weight when I start
bitch-slapping you guys around the beltway. [They start to eat.]

JOSH
You and Lloyd Russell, huh?

MANDY
Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY

LEO
[on the phone] Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You're
spelling
his name wrong. What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I'm just an ordinary
citizen
who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you,
that I've
met with the man twice, and I've recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack
against his airforce. So, I think I know how to...

C.J.
[waves to Margaret and walks in] Leo!

LEO
[he looks at the phone, then hangs up] They hang up on me. Every time.

C.J.
That's almost hard to believe.

LEO
What do you need?

C.J.
Nightline wants someone for the East Asia...

LEO
Send Naomi. What else?

C.J.
There might be a press leak on A3-C3.

LEO
That was Hutchison. What else?

C.J.
Leo?

LEO
Please don't ask me about Josh.

C.J.
I was going to ask...

LEO
I honestly don't know anything.

C.J.
You know the President.

LEO
So do you.

C.J.
You know him better.

LEO
I've known him forty years, C.J. And all I can promise you is that on any
given day
there's really no predicting what he's going to choose to care about.

C.J.
Yeah.

LEO
I'm sorry, I'm late. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Sam is walking along the corridor with his lunch tray, being followed by two
communications staffers, LARRY and ED.

LARRY
You can't use those stats.

SAM
The assault stats.

LARRY
The assault stats are wrong.

SAM
We got them from your office.

ED
And we got them from HUD.

SAM
And they're wrong?

ED
Even if they were right, don't use 'em.

SAM
Well, A. Let's make 'em right, and B. why can't I use 'em?

ED
The 76 year old grandmother.

LARRY
Every time we use those assault stats, Carr and Gilmore come back...

SAM
Who's the 76 year old--

LARRY
Every day, 17,000 Americans defend themselves with a gun--

SAM
That's flat-out not true.

ED
--including a 76 year old grandmother in Chicago, who defended herself
against an
intruder in the middle of the night.

LARRY
Just don't use the stats.

SAM
The 76 year old grandmother doesn't defend herself with a modified AK-47
Assault
Rifle, Larry.  Unless she's defending herself against Turkish rebels.

Sam's assistant, CATHY, approaches.

CATHY
Excuse me.

SAM
Oh, you guys know my assistant Cathy?

LARRY
We've talked a lot on the phone.

CATHY
Yeah, hi. [to Sam] I need you for just a second.

SAM
Ah, right. [to Ed and Larry] Call me at the end of the day. [walks with Cathy

CATHY
Leo's wife called.

SAM
That woman hates me.

CATHY
Yes.

SAM
What'd I do?

CATHY
You tried to hit on her at party fundraiser.

SAM
Yes. I meant recently. I meant why did she call.

CATHY
She wants you to...

SAM
For the hundredth time, I didn't know who she was, and how long am I gonna be
crucified for that?

CATHY
Well a little while longer anyway, 'cause...

SAM
Most women, I would think, would be flattered that...

CATHY
Yeah, I think Leo was especially touched that you...

SAM
What'd she want?

CATHY
She was supposed to give a tour to some students from her daughter's fourth
grade
class. She can't make it and she wants you to do it.

SAM
I can't.

They walk in the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE.

CATHY
You have to. They wrote essays.

SAM
No really, I can't. I'm not a good tour guide. I don't know anything about
the White
House. [his pager goes off]

CATHY
You wanna call Mrs. McGarry and tell her that?

SAM
[looking at his pager] Oh God, please let this be a national emergency.

Sam picks up a phone and punches in a number off his pager. A woman answers.

WOMAN [VO]
Cashmere Escorts.

SAM
[on the phone] Hi. You paged me?

WOMAN [VO]
Who is this?

SAM
[on the phone] This is Sam Seaborn.

WOMAN [VO]
I'm sorry. There's been a mistake.

SAM
[on the phone] Who's this?

WOMAN [VO]
Cashmere Escort Service.

SAM
[on the phone, confused] Okey-doke. [hangs up, to Cathy] Page me.

CATHY
Where are you going?

SAM
I'm standing right here. Page me and punch in my number.

Cathy does. Sam watches his pager. Nothing.

CATHY
You switched pagers with someone.

SAM
A woman's about to call me. She's not gonna know why. Put her through. [goes
into
his office and closes the door. He shuts the door and sits at his desk,
waiting for
the phone to ring, which it soon does]Hello?

LAURIE [VO]
Hello? You paged me?

SAM
[on the phone] Laurie?

LAURIE [VO]
Who's this?

SAM
[on the phone] It's Sam.

LAURIE [VO]
Hi.

SAM
[on the phone] Sam Seaborn.

LAURIE [VO]
Yeah. You called me.

SAM
[on the phone] Yeah, ah, actually you called me. And that's because you have my
pager. And I have yours.

LAURIE [VO]
Oh.

SAM
[on the phone] Yeah. Look, listen, can I come by and see you real quick?

LAURIE [VO]
Yeah.

SAM
[on the phone] Thanks... Good... Okay.

CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY
A few reporters are waiting around for C.J., who enters the hallway. Billy is
talking to another reporter.

BILLY
I'm holding four column inches above the fold.

REPORTER
You're going to be wrong.

BILLY
I've got Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh...

C.J.
Guys, I don't have a lot of time to answer questions right now.

CHRIS
C.J., has--

C.J.
But that shouldn't stop you from asking them anyway. Chris?

CHRIS
Has the President had any reaction to Josh on the show?

C.J.
None that I'm aware of.

CHRIS
Do you know--

C.J.
Seriously, that's it. I'll get you wheels down time when I've got
it. [continues to
wall through the hallway and is intercepted by Toby]

TOBY
They're picking up the scent.

C.J.
Billy is. The rest of 'em are picking up Billy's scent.

TOBY
Josh is gonna come to the coffee.

C.J.
Keep him cool.

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: EXT. PENNSYLVANIA AVE. IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY
Leo and AL CALDWELL are walking and are in the middle of a conversation.

LEO
President's a deeply religious man, Reverend. I don't need to tell you that.

CALDWELL
No.

LEO
He's worked with the Southern Baptist Leadership Conference. He's worked with
the Catholic Relief...

CALDWELL
He's spoken at my church.

LEO
Yes, he has. He also spent eight months traveling around the country
discouraging
young women from having abortions.

CALDWELL
Oh, hang on. He never said anything...

LEO
He doesn't believe that it's the government's place to legislate this
issue. But
that has not stopped him from playing his role as a moral leader. Something
which
cost him dearly in the campaign and you know that.

CALDWELL
Why does he insist on demonizing us as a group?

LEO
Because your group has plenty of demons.

CALDWELL
[snorts] Every group has plenty of demons.

LEO
You don't have to tell me about it, Reverend. I'm a member of the Democratic
Party.

CALDWELL
Why does the White House suddenly talk like everyone in the Christian Right
is the
same?

LEO
Forgive me, Al. But when you stand that close to Mary Marsh and John Van
Dyke, it's
sometimes hard not to paint you all with the same brush.

CALDWELL
We need John and Mary for political muscle.

LEO
I don't think you do, but I recognize you're in a tough spot.

CALDWELL
I'm not looking for a holy war, Leo.

LEO
Oh, I know you're not, Al. And I think that you and I can keep this from
escalating
beyond the petulant woman being angry about getting her hair a little messed
up on T.V.

CALDWELL
And there you go again. [They stop walking to face one another.]

LEO
What?

CALDWELL
It was not a little deal.

LEO
No one's saying...

CALDWELL
And I want to make sure -- of nothing else, I want to make sure that you're
taking
me seriously.

LEO
You don't think we're taking this seriously? 24 hours ago, the President
ordered
me to fire Josh Lyman. I've been trying to talk him down from it ever
since. He's
getting off the plane in ten minutes. It's 6 to 5 at pickin' whether Josh still
has a job. Now, I don't know how much more seriously we can take it.

CALDWELL
Well, that's regrettable.

LEO
Yes, it is. [They start walking again.] Anyway, I'm glad Toby organized
your meeting
this afternoon.

CALDWELL
So am I.

CUT TO: INT. LAURIE'S APARTMENT - DAY
Laurie, in jeans in a sweatshirt, answers the knocking at the door. Sam
is standing
there in his overcoat.

SAM
Hi.

LAURIE
Hi.

SAM
Can I come in?

LAURIE
Sure. [lets Sam in]

SAM
[walks down the long hallway in her apartment] This is a nice apartment.

LAURIE
You saw it last night.

SAM
Yeah, and I really like it.

LAURIE
Thanks.

SAM
It makes very good use of space.

LAURIE
[grabbing the pager off her couch] Thanks.

SAM
The way the ladle hangs from the pegboard.

LAURIE
The ladle didn't actually come with the apartment. It's mine.

SAM
Right.

LAURIE
Yeah.

SAM
Um, can I ask you something?

LAURIE
Am I a hooker?

SAM
No. No. What I was gonna say is this: Is it possible, that in addition to
being a
law student and part-time bartender, that you are what I'm certain would
have to be
a very high-priced call girl. I, by the way, making no judgments. The thing is,
with my job--

LAURIE
Yes.

SAM
Yes?

LAURIE
Yeah, I'm sorry. I should've told you. I wanted you to like me.

SAM
I do. I gotta go. [waits a moment then walks to the door]

LAURIE
Sam?

SAM
Yeah?

LAURIE
My pager.

SAM
Oh, right. [exchanges pagers]

LAURIE
Thanks.

SAM
Listen, I don't know how often you get up...

LAURIE
Sam. Go. You don't know who I am.

SAM
It's just that there are people who'd pay a lot of money for...

LAURIE
I know. Go. It's okay.

Sam turns and goes.

CUT TO: INT. WEST WING HALLWAY - DAY
A group of visitors, AL CALDWELL, MARY MARSH, JOHN VAN DYKE and several
of their
assistants and staff people are following C.J.'s assistant, CAROL, who
leads them
to a room.

CAROL
Reverend Caldwell, if you all would just step in here.

The group goes into the mural room as Cathy passes by and looks into the
ROOSEVELT ROOM. Several nine-year-olds are waiting patiently with their
teacher,
MALLORY O'BRIAN. Cathy opens the door to address them.

CATHY
Excuse me. Hi. We're going to be just a minute so why doesn't everyone have
a seat.
[leaves]

MALLORY
[to the children] All right. Everybody, nicely and quietly, take a seat.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY
Donna is standing in front of Josh, holding out a fresh shirt and tie.

JOSH
No.

DONNA
Put it on.

JOSH
No.

DONNA
Put it on.

JOSH
No.

DONNA
You've been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.

JOSH [OS]
I am not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.

DONNA
All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.

Josh grabs the shirt and tie. Donna walks out of the office into the corridor.

DONNA
[calling out] Bonnie!

BONNIE [OS]
Yeah?

DONNA
Tell Toby he's changing his shirt.

BONNIE
Right.

We move to the LOBBY where Cathy meets Sam as he enters.

CATHY
You're late.

SAM
I'm having kind of a weird day. [They begin walking.]

CATHY
Leo's daughter's class is waiting with their teacher and a couple of parents in
the Roosevelt Room.

SAM
I don't know what to say to them.

CATHY
You're supposed to tell them about the building and its history. Do you
need anything?

SAM
I need someone to tell me about the building and its history.

CATHY
Just fake it.

SAM
I can't fake it.

CATHY
Of course you can fake it.

THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. Fifteen or so fourth-graders, dressed in their White
House best,
are sitting patiently along with their teacher, Mallory. Sam and Cathy
pull around
the corner and stop outside the door.

SAM
Which one is Leo's daughter?

CATHY
What does it matter?

SAM
I want to make a good impression. What does she look like?

CATHY
I don't know.

SAM
Okay. I just want to thank you for all of your help.

CATHY
Sure.

Sam tries to open one of the doors, but finds it locked. Cathy opens the other
door for him.

SAM
Hi, I'm sorry to be late.

MALLORY
Mr. Seaborn. Mallory O'Brian.

SAM
Hi.

MALLORY
And these are the fourth graders at Clearlake Elementary School who wrote
the best
essays on why they wanted to visit the White House.

SAM
Well, that's just great, why don't we get started. [walks around the table]
My name
is Sam Seaborn and I'm the Deputy Communications Director. What does that mean
exactly? Well, to begin with, I'm a counselor to the President, mostly
on domestic
matters, though generally not security related. I work with Toby Ziegler, the
Communications Director; and C.J. Cregg, the Press Secretary, on crafting our
message and getting it out through the electronic and print media. And while my
functions here are generally perceived to be politically skewed, it's
important to
remember that it is not the D.N.C., but rather your tax dollars that pay
my salary.
So I work for you whether you voted for us or not.

There's an awkward silence in the room before--

MALLORY
Mr. Seaborn, maybe you could give us some history.

SAM
Sure. I graduated law school eight years ago and started working for
Dewey-Ballantine where I--

MALLORY
Actually, I'm sorry to interrupt, actually I meant a history of the building.

SAM
The White House.

MALLORY
Yes.

SAM
Sure. [pause] The White House, as you know, was built several years
ago. Mostly, if
I'm not mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in right now, the Roosevelt
Room,
is very famous. It is named for our 18th President, Franklin Delano
Roosevelt. The
chairs that you're sitting on today were fashioned from the lumber of a
pirate ship
captured during the Spanish-American--

The students are enraptured, but Mallory becomes upset.

MALLORY
[stands] All right. Kids, I need to speak with Mr. Seaborn. Sit tight for
a second.

Sam follows Mallory into the HALLWAY.

MALLORY
Hi.

SAM
How ya doin'?

MALLORY
I'm sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?

SAM
In this particular area, yes.

MALLORY
The 18th President was Ulysses S. Grant, and the Roosevelt Room was named
for Theodore.

SAM
Really?

MALLORY
There's like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.

SAM
I should've put two and two together.

MALLORY
Yes.

SAM
Look, the thing is, while there are really a great many things I can speak with
authority, I'm not good at talking about the White House.

MALLORY
You're the White House Deputy Communications Director and you're not good
at talking
about the White House?

SAM
Ironic, isn't it?

MALLORY
I don't believe this. [starts to go back into the room, but Sam stops her]

SAM
Wait a minute. Wait. Please. Could you do me favor? Could you tell me which
one of
those kids is Leo McGarry's daughter?

MALLORY
Why?

SAM
Well, if I could make eye contact with her, make her laugh, you know, just
see that
she has a good time, it might go a long way toward making my life easier.

MALLORY
These children worked hard. All of them. And I'm not inclined at this moment
to make
your life easier.

SAM
Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell
you that
I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing
a poll
that says a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House
has lost
energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the
video footage
of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast
Guard are
fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to
blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for
going on
television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with
a prostitute
last night. Now. Would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which
one of
those kids is my boss's daughter.

MALLORY
That would be me.

SAM
You.

MALLORY
Yes.

SAM
Leo's daughter's fourth grade class.

MALLORY
Yes.

SAM
[pause] Well, this is bad on so many levels.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Josh, C.J., Toby, Donna and a few aides walk through the corridors toward the
MURAL ROOM.

C.J.
She's gonna try and bait you, Josh, you understand what I'm saying?

JOSH
Lloyd Russell. Yeah, that'll last.

C.J.
Are you listening to me?

JOSH
[repeating] They're gonna try and bait me.

C.J.
They want you to say something arrogant.

JOSH
I don't need baiting for that.

They walk into the MURAL ROOM where Al Caldwell, Mary Marsh, John Van Dyke, and
several staffers are waiting.

TOBY
Hi. Hi, good afternoon. We apologize. We're running a bit behind today.

Josh sits quietly, as C.J. and Toby greet everyone.

CALDWELL
That's quite all right. How's the President's health.

C.J.
It's a mild sprain, he'll be fine.

CALDWELL
Good, good. You all know Mary Marsh and John Van Dyke.

C.J.
Yes.

TOBY
Everybody, sit, sit, sit. We're happy you all could come talk with us today. As
you know, the President makes a usual Sunday morning radio address, and in
a few
weeks we've scheduled--

CALDWELL
Ah, Toby, if I may interrupt for just a momentae the goals and spirit of
Christian
and Family oriented organizations, while embraced by a great and growing
number of
Americans, have been met with hostility and contempt by their Government. Now,
yesterday morning, on the television program Capital Beat, that contempt
was given
a voice... and a face... and a name. [to Josh] I'm referring, of course,
to you, sir.

JOSH
Yes, I know, and I'm glad you brought that up...

CALDWELL
I was surprised at you, Josh. I always counted you as a friend.

JOSH
And I'm honored by that, Reverend. First, let me say that when I spoke on the
program yesterday, I was not speaking for the President or this administration.
That's important to know. Second, please allow me to apologize. My remarks
were glib
 and insulting. I was going for the cheap laugh, and anybody willing to step
 up and
debate ideas deserves better than a political punch line. Mary, I apologize.

MARY
[pause, then turns to Toby] Good then. Let's deal.

TOBY
[beat] I'm sorry?

MARY
What do we get?

TOBY
For what?

MARY
For insulting millions of Americans.

TOBY
Well, like Josh said...

MARY
I heard what Josh said, Toby, what do we get?

TOBY
An apology.

MARY
Sunday morning radio address. Public morals. School prayer or pornography, take
your pick.

TOBY
School prayer or pornography?

VAN DYKE
It's on every street corner.

TOBY
I've seen it. Mary...

MARY
Condoms in the schools.

TOBY
What?!

MARY
Condoms in the schools.

TOBY
Well, that's a problem.

MARY
What?

TOBY
[raising his voice] We have a Surgeon General who says they dramatically
reduce the
risk of teen pregnancy and AIDS.

MARY
So does abstinence.

VAN DYKE
Show the average American teenage male a condom and his mind will turn
to thoughts
of lust.

TOBY
Show the average American teenage male a lug wrench and his mind'll turn...

C.J.
Toby!

MARY
School prayer, pornography, condoms. What's it gonna be?

TOBY
We're not prepared to make any sort of deal right now.

JOSH
Sure we are. Mary...

MARY
[to Josh] My read of the landscape is that you're cleaning out your desk
before the
end of business today, so I'd just as soon negotiate with Toby if it's all
the same
to you.

CALDWELL
Mary.

MARY
[to Caldwell] Please allow me to work. [to Josh] It was only a matter of
time with
you, Josh.

JOSH
Yes.

MARY
That New York sense of humor was just a...

CALDWELL
Mary, there no need...

MARY
Reverend, please! They think they're so much smarter. They think it's
smart talk.
But nobody else does.

JOSH
I'm actually from Connecticut, but that's neither here nor there. The point
is, Mary...

TOBY
She meant Jewish. [A stunned silence. Everyone stares at Toby.] When she said
"New
York sense of humor", she was talking about you and me.

JOSH
You know what, Toby, let's just not even go there.

CALDWELL
There's been an apology. Let's move on.

VAN DYKE
I'd like to discuss why we hear so much talk about the First Amendment
coming out
of this building, but no talk at all about the First Commandment.

MARY
I don't like what I've just been accused of.

TOBY
[raising his voice] I'm afraid that's just tough, Mrs. Marsh.

VAN DYKE
The First Commandment says "Honor thy Father".

TOBY
No it doesn't.

JOSH
Toby--

TOBY
It doesn't.

JOSH
Listen--

TOBY
No, if I'm gonna make you sit through this preposterous exercise, we're
gonna get
the names of the damn commandments right.

MARY
Okay. Here we go.

TOBY
"Honor thy Father" is the Third Commandment.

VAN DYKE
Then what's the First Commandment?

A booming voice comes from off screen. The camera moves to show PRESIDENT
JED BARTLET
with a cane standing in the doorway with several Secret Service agents.

PRESIDENT JED BARTLET
"I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other God before me."
Boy, those were the days, huh?

Everyone stands.

CALDWELL
Good afternoon, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Al. What do we got here, C.J.?

C.J.
Well, we've got some hot tempers, Mr. President.

BARTLET
Mary.

JOHN VAN DYKE
Mr. President, I'm John Van Dyke.

BARTLET
Yes. Reverend?

VAN DYKE
May I ask you a question, sir?

BARTLET
Of course.

VAN DYKE
If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars,
isn't
that too high a price to pay for free speech?

BARTLET
No.

VAN DYKE
Really?

BARTLET
On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for
pornography.

C.J.
Why don't we all sit down?

BARTLET
No. Let's not, C.J. These people won't be staying that long. May I have
some coffee,
Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of
a fringe
group that calls itself The Lambs of God?

CALDWELL
Sir, it's not up to me to...

BARTLET
Crap. It is up to you, Al. You, know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do
anything while I'm upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. 28
years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I'm
going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon, and put it in reverse,
and pull
out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and
quietly enter
into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door.

Bartlet pauses to take a drink of his coffee and smile at Josh, who smiles back
uncomfortably.

BARTLET [cont.]
Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right
yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was
upset, but
I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I've ever been in
my life.
It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the
teen magazines.
And somewhere between movie stars and make-up tips, she talked about her
feelings on
a woman's right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious,
but she's
got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it, so I couldn't
understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth,
what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie." Now I love my family and I've read
my bible
from cover to cover so I want you to tell me, from what part of the Holy
Scripture
do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent
my 12
year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its
throat?
[pause] You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly. And until
you do,
you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. [Everyone is frozen.]
C.J., show these people out.

MARY MARSH
I believe we can find the door.

BARTLET
Find it now.

The group leaves the room quickly and quietly.

CALDWELL
[quietly to Leo] We'll fix this, Leo.

LEO
See that you do.

Bartlet has gone out the side door, through an adjoining room and into THE
OVAL OFFICE.
The staff begins recovering from this last moment and following the President.

JOSH
Okay, can I just say that, as it turned out, I was the calmest person in
the room?

TOBY
Hey...

C.J.
Way to stay cool.

TOBY
I am not empowered to auction off the Bill of Rights.

JOSH
I thought you were going to take a swing at her there.

TOBY
She was calling us New York Jews, Josh.

JOSH
Yeah, but being from Connecticut, I didn't mind so much. [They enter the
Oval Office.]
You, C.J., on the other hand, were brilliant. I particularly liked the
part where
you said nothing at all.

C.J.
I'm sorry, Josh, I was distracted. All I could really think about was
Lloyd Russell
and your girlfriend.

SAM
Mandy and Lloyd Russell?

JOSH
I'll be puttin' an end to that.

BARTLET
"Hello, Mr. President. Did you have a nice trip, sir? How's the ankle, sir?"
Seems to me we've all been taking a little break. Thinking about our
personal lives
or thinking about keeping our jobs. Breaks are good. It's not a bad idea
taking a
break every now and then. I know how hard you all work.

MARGARET, Leo's secretary, brings Leo a note, which he slips to Bartlet after
reading it.

BARTLET
[speaks while reading the note] There was this time that Annie came to me
with this
press clipping. Seems these theologians down in South America were very excited
because this little girl from Chile had sliced open a tomato, and the
inside flesh
of this tomato had actually formed a perfect Rosary. The theologians
commented that
they thought this was a very impressive girl. Annie commented that she
thought it
was a very impressive tomato. I don't know what made me think of that.
[reporting the information from the slip of paper] Naval Intelligence reports
approximately 1200 Cubans left Havana this morning. Approximately 700
turned back
due to severe weather, some 350 are missing and presumed dead, 137 have
been taken
into custody in Miami and are seeking asylum. [pause] With the clothes on their
backs, they came through a storm. And the ones that didn't die want a
better life.
And they want it here. Talk about impressive. My point is this: Break's over.

LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.

The senior staff say their thanks and begin to leave the office. Josh is
the last
to the door.

BARTLET
Josh. "Too busy being indicted for tax fraud"? [beat] Don't ever do it again.

JOSH
[quietly] Yes sir. [exits]

BARTLET
[calls] Mrs. Landingham. What's next?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Governor Thomas and the Majority Leader have asked to be conferenced in and the
group from NASA is assembling for their photo-op. At seven o'clock, you have...

Mrs. Landingham continues as the camera moves and shows us an overhead shot
of the
Presidential Seal and the Oval Office.

DISSOLVE TO: END CREDITS.
FADE TO BLACK.

THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement
is intended.

Episode 1.1 -- 'Pilot'
Original Airdate: September 22, 1999, 9;00 EST