THE WEST WING
"TAKE OUT THE TRASH DAY"
WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: THOMAS SCHLAMME


TEASER

FADE IN: INT. PRESS BRIEFING ROOM - NIGHT
C.J. is carrying out the last press briefing of the day.

C.J.
...weather permitting we'll be in the rose garden.

REPORTER 1
And weather permitting means?

C.J.
If it's not raining.

REPORTER 1
C.J....

C.J.
I know.

REPORTER 2
It's gonna be 22 degrees out there.

C.J.
I know.

REPORTER 2
I don't know why you people...

C.J.
This President is from New England and I think it's time we all started
getting used
to that. At least, that's what he told me this morning. What else do we have
here?
There will be 15 pen recipients. The President will sign the bill with 15
pens, and
I guess someone on my staff wanted you to know that.

DANNY
C.J.?

C.J.
Tell me you don't have a question about the pens.

DANNY
C.J., I have a question about the pens.

C.J.
Yes, Danny?

DANNY
Josiah Bartlet has 13 letters in it, how's the President gonna use 15 pens?

C.J.
Danny...

DANNY
I just....

C.J.
You know you were the only one in the room doing the math on that, right?

DANNY
I, I just...

C.J.
Only one in the room.

DANNY
My readers expect a little bit more. [laughter]

C.J.
[leafing through notes] 15 pens, 13 letters, they must have stuck something
in here
about... Yes... he's gonna... interesting... he's gonna literally dot the I"
and
cross the "T"s.

DANNY
Thank you.

C.J.
Freakboy.

DANNY
Thank you again.

C.J.
Jonathon and Jennifer Lydell, the parents of Lowell Lydell, have been added
to the
guest list; also added to the guest list are senators...

Mandy watches from the back.

REPORTER 3
C.J.?

C.J.
Yeah?

REPORTER 3
That still on?

C.J.
What still on?

REPORTER 3
The Lydells.

C.J.
Yeah.

REPORTER 3
There's a rumour that the Lydells aren't big supporters of the President,
and they
were, er, reluctant..

C.J.
I've heard that too, and I don't know where it got started; it's
ridiculous. The
President's signing hate crimes legislation, Jonathan and Jennifer Lydell's
son was
killed for being gay. They're obviously going to...

Mandy watches anxiously.

REPORTER 3
Just asking.

REPORTER 4
I heard the same thing.

C.J.
The Lydells are coming.

REPORTER 3
And they'll be available to the press?

C.J.
Yeah. Where was I?

REPORTER 2
Senators.

C.J.
Breach and Larkin. Senators Breach and Larkin will be attending as well.

Mandy watches C.J. on the T.V.

C.J.
Listen, you've been a great audience, don't forget to tip your
waitresses. That's all
the news today, you're outta here.

C.J. leaves the room and Mandy joins her as they walk together.

MANDY
I kinda wish you hadn't done that.

C.J.
Done what?

MANDY
Guaranteed the Lydells.

C.J.
They're not coming?

MANDY
They are coming, I'm just not sure we're gonna want them there.

C.J.
Mandy!

MANDY
I flew out to St Paul; I sat in their kitchen.

C.J.
I spoke the mother on the phone. I spoke to her twice!

MANDY
The mother's fine.

C.J.
What's wrong with the father?

MANDY
He doesn't say much.

C.J.
That's it?

MANDY
Sometimes that's an indication...

C.J.
He doesn't say much?

MANDY
C.J....

C.J.
Their son was just murdered Mandy! Did you want him to wear a campaign
button?

MANDY
I do at the bill signing and I'm saying the reticence he exhibited in his
kitchen...

C.J.
Are you listening to yourself?

MANDY
They're flying in in the morning. Sit and meet with them and tell me what
you think.

C.J.
You want me to audition the Lydells?

MANDY
Yes. And I'd also like you to cut me some slack.

C.J.
Fine.

Mandy walks off and C.J. walks into her office, stopping to talk to Carol.

C.J.
Carol? Dotting the "I"s and crossing the "T"s, thank you for that.

CAROL
We do our homework.

C.J.
You misspelled senator.

Josh joins C.J. in her office.

C.J.
Hello.

JOSH
We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.

C.J.
Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.

JOSH
I need you to read a report.

C.J.
I'm a woman in her prime, Josh. I'm a prime woman.

JOSH
There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.

C.J.
What is it?

JOSH
We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They
say,
fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....

C.J.
Abstinence only?

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
I would no have trouble passing such a class.

JOSH
We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools,
and,
well, this is it. [drops the report on C.J.'s desk]

C.J.
What's it say?

JOSH
It's not good.

C.J.
How's it not good?

JOSH
It says basically that teaching abstinence only doesn't work- that people
are going
to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.

C.J.
Well, what are they recommending?

JOSH
Something called "abstinence plus".

C.J.
Abstinence plus?

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
What's that mean?

JOSH
Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.

C.J.
Everything but?

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
Ah.

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
They want teachers to teach...

JOSH
Yes.

C.J.
And so the sticky wicket joke was...?

JOSH
A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?

C.J.
Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.

JOSH
By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.

C.J.
Get me a salad.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY
Danny walks in. C.J. is inside.

C.J.
Hey.

DANNY
Want to have dinner?

C.J.
With you?

DANNY
Yes.

C.J.
I have to read a report on Sex Education.

DANNY
Hey...

C.J.
I'm anticipating any joke you could possibly make right now, and I'm not
finding any
of them funny.

DANNY
You know, eventually you're gonna have to go on a date with me; you can't
just keep
grabbing me and kissing me.

C.J.
I didn't grab you...

DANNY
Well, you can, like I'll mind or anything...

C.J.
I didn't grab you. You grabbed me!

DANNY
First time. Second, third and fourth times you grabbed me.

C.J.
That's because...

DANNY
All week long, just randomly grabbing me and kissing me. Like I said,
I applaud the spirit,
but I think there's, there's better things ahead. As I'm sure you're about
to read.

C.J.
What do you want?

DANNY
I want to know about an advance man for the Vice-President who took a Navy
helicopter to
Pebble beach to shoot 18 holes.

C.J.
Are you kidding me?

DANNY
No.

C.J.
How do you know about this?

DANNY
A White House source.

C.J.
What kind of White House source?

DANNY
The anonymous kind.

C.J.
I'll find out about it.

DANNY
Do it properly would you? I got a helicopter pilot who sat around for four
hours on the
taxpayers' time while your advance man hit every sand trap in Carmel.

C.J.
Okay.

DANNY
See ya.

C.J.
Wait. [grabs and kisses Danny] Okay, you can go now.

DANNY
No problem. [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - DAY
Carol is holding food.

DONNA
Josh? [to Carol] Did they burn the hamburger?

CAROL
I told them well-done.

DONNA
He likes it beyond well-done. He likes it burnt.

JOSH
[comes out of his office] Yeah?

DONNA
Food's here.

JOSH
Did they burn the hamburger?

DONNA
Yes.

JOSH
Did you check?

DONNA
I am not checking your food.

JOSH
Let's go.

DONNA
[picks up the box of food] No, no, I'll carry it. [walks with Josh]

JOSH
I like it where if you dropped it on the floor it would break.

DONNA
What's 'Take Out the Trash Day'?

JOSH
Friday.

DONNA
I mean what is it?

JOSH
Any stories we have to give the press that we're not wild about we give all
in a lump
on Friday.

DONNA
Why do you do it in a lump?

JOSH
Instead of one at a time?

DONNA
I'd think you'd want to spread them out.

JOSH
They've got X column inches to fill, right? They're gonna fill them no matter
what.

DONNA
Yes.

JOSH
So if we give them one story, that story's X column inches.

DONNA
And if we give them 5 stories...

JOSH
They're a fifth the size.

DONNA
Why do you do it on Friday?

JOSH
Because no one reads the paper on Saturday.

DONNA
You guys are real populists, aren't you?

JOSH
The salad's for C.J..

They walk off in opposite directions.

CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - DAY
Toby is working at his desk. Sam enters quietly.

TOBY
Yeah?

SAM
There is a town in Alabama that wants to abolish all laws except the Ten
Commandments.

TOBY
I saw it.

SAM
Well, they're gonna have a problem.

TOBY
Because the Constitution prohibits religious activity in any form connected
to Government?

SAM
Good point! Two problems.

TOBY
Sam, I'm busy here!

SAM
I just mean that some of those Commandments are pretty hard to enforce.

TOBY
What is it?

SAM
I just got a call asking me if I wanted to comment on a story that's gonna
run in the
Georgetown Hoya tomorrow.

TOBY
The student newspaper?

SAM
A sociology professor has been teaching what the paper, at any rate, feels
is racist
stuff. Too much funding for Head Start, welfare mothers, and...

TOBY
And why are they talking to us?

SAM
Zoey's in the class.

TOBY
Who cares?

SAM
This minute? The Georgetown Hoya. Tomorrow...?

TOBY
The President's daughter got an idiot sociology professor, and we gotta...

SAM
I'll talk to Zoey.

TOBY
Please. [long pause] What else?

SAM
Coveting thy neighbour's wife, for example. How are you going to enforce
that one?

TOBY
Sam!

SAM
We never have our chats anymore, Toby.

TOBY
What chats?

SAM
Our late night chats!

TOBY
Did we ever do that?

SAM
[beat] No.

LEO
[enters] Fellows?

SAM
Hey.

LEO
My office.

Leo walks down the corridor, closely followed by Sam and Toby.

SAM
Leo, did you know there's a town in Alabama that wants to...

LEO
Yes.

SAM
What do you think?

LEO
Coveting thy neighbour's wife's gonna cause some problems.

SAM
That's what I said. Plus, if I were arrested for coveting my neighbour's wife,
I'd
probably bear false witness.

LEO'S OFFICE. Josh is on a chair eating. Leo, Sam and Toby enter.

JOSH
Hey.

LEO
Josh! This Sex Ed report could not have possibly come at a worse time.

JOSH
I know.

LEO
A hundred thousand school teachers...

JOSH
I know.

LEO
He's going to sign the hate crimes bill!

TOBY
He didn't write the thing, Leo.

LEO
I'm saying I wish we'd have gotten some heads up it was coming, and what
was in it.

TOBY
Well, that horse left the barn!

LEO
We're going to have to deal with it tomorrow.

TOBY
Yeah.

LEO
What else? What's this thing on the Hill?

JOSH
Sam and me, we're meeting with Bruno from an appropriation sub-committee
that has
jurisdiction over the White House budget.

LEO
Is this about me?

JOSH
Technically, it's about me. They want to know why I withheld information
gained during
Inspector Javert's drug search... Yeah, it's about you.

TOBY
Um... Can I just say a word about that?

LEO
No.

TOBY
It was absolutely the right thing to do under the circumstances.

LEO
I understand. You're going with them?

SAM
Yeah.

LEO
Okay. I'm sorry I've made you guys have to...

SAM
Leo...

JOSH
Please!

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Donna, Carol, Cathy, Ginger, and Margaret are huddled and talking.

DONNA
First of all, you don't know that for sure.

CATHY
She just said...

MARGARET
Guys!

CATHY
She just said she knew that for sure!

DONNA
She said, she knew it in her heart, which is very different from someone
saying...

GINGER
I know it for sure.

CATHY
She just said it.

CAROL
Someone needs to tell their boss.

MRS.LANDINGHAM
[comes out of the Oval Office] Excuse me.

MARGARET
Good evening, Mrs Landingham.

MRS LANDINGHAM
What are you girls doing?

MARGARET
We're just... talking, Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
You all work for very important people. This is not a place for gossip. You
understand me?

ALL
Yes Ma'am.

Mrs. Landingham exits.

DONNA
She said she knew it in her heart. You know how many things I've been wrong
about in
my heart?

CATHY
Yeah, but she's right about this one. Aren't you?

JOSH
[comes out of the Oval Office] Well, here's a group of federal
employees. [walks]

DONNA
[following Josh] Can I talk to you?

JOSH
Sure.

DONNA
In Sam's office?

JOSH
We'll need to ask Sam, don't you think?

DONNA
I need Sam, too.

JOSH
[to Sam, passing] Sam!

SAM
Yes, sir?

JOSH
Donna needs to talk to us, and it doesn't look good.

They begin to walk to Sam's office.

DONNA
This Vice President's advance man, with the golf clubs and the helicopter?

JOSH
Chad Magrudian?

DONNA
Yep.

JOSH
Didn't he used to work for us?

SAM
He kept screwing up.

JOSH
How?

SAM
He advanced the Puerto Rico trip and spent a half a day scuba diving. Which
was nowhere
on the President's itinerary. He advanced the New York trip and got impossible
tickets
to something that the President had no intention of seeing.

JOSH
He's working for Hoynes now?

DONNA
Yeah, just recently.

SAM
He played 18 holes on Pebble Beach.

DONNA
Which, technically, is what he's supposed to do.

SAM
He wasn't supposed to take a Navy helicopter and make it wait.

JOSH
Well, what does this have to do with us?

DONNA
We know who leaked the story.

Josh closes the door to Sam's office.

CUT TO: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - DAY
C.J. is on her couch reading the report. Toby walks in and sits across her.

C.J.
Hi.

TOBY
You remember Chad Magrudian?

C.J.
The advance man?

TOBY
Yeah. He took a ride...

C.J.
I know about this already. The round of golf?

TOBY
How do you know?

C.J.
Danny got it from a White House source.

TOBY
Danny gave it to you?

C.J.
Any problem with that?

TOBY
As long as it wasn't the other way round. That was a joke!

C.J.
It better have been. What else?

TOBY
C.J....

C.J.
What else?

TOBY
There's going to be a thing with Zoey. Her sociology professor's teaching
some things,
and we're going to get her out of class.

C.J.
Okay.

TOBY
You can dump that out with the trash.

C.J.
Okay.

TOBY
And I was kidding before.

C.J.
I don't leak stories to Danny. If you don't believe me, ask Danny.

TOBY
I do believe you.

C.J.
Good.

TOBY
You okay by yourself?

C.J.
Why wouldn't I be okay?

TOBY
Okay... Night.

Toby leaves as C.J. watches him.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Toby, Sam and Josh are waiting.

JOSH
Her name is Karen Larsen. She worked on the Vice-President's campaign and
in his public
affairs office. Aides thought she was getting a bit of a crush on Hoynes,
so they moved
her further away.

TOBY
Where?

SAM
Glad you asked.

TOBY
Personnel?

JOSH
Yeah.

TOBY
How high is her FBI clearance?

SAM
High enough.

JOSH
I think we've found our man.

TOBY
Sam, have a talk with her when you get back from the Hill.

SAM
Yeah.

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Bartlet and Leo walk in from the PORTICO.

LEO
The way the European Union's set up, the rules favor the import of bananas
from Latin
American countries that used to be European colonies.

BARTLET
I don't want to spend the whole day talking about bananas. Good morning Nancy,
good
morning Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Good morning Mr President. Did you say you wanted a banana?

BARTLET
No.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Nancy, run get the President a banana.

BARTLET
I really don't want a banana.

NANCY A
Are you sure, Sir?

BARTLET
Yes, thank you.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
They've got lots of potassium.

BARTLET
I'm done talking to you now.

Bartlet and Leo walk in THE OVAL OFFICE where Toby, Sam and Josh are. They
stand up.

BARTLET
Good Morning everyone. Sit down, sit down please.

LEO
The point they're gonna make is that the rules discriminate against bananas
from poorer
Latin American countries.

BARTLET
Are we a poor Latin American country?

LEO
No.

BARTLET
Then why am I having this conversation?

LEO
Because the bananas grown in those countries are sold by American companies.

BARTLET
I'm in trouble with Chiquita and Dole?

LEO
Well, it's not you so much as... Yeah, it's mostly you.

BARTLET
Toby.

TOBY
Yes, sir?

BARTLET
We have appointed five people to the Corporation for Public
Broadcasting. Republicans
in the House, as well as an alarming number of Democrats, have been holding
up those
appointments.

TOBY
I've been fully briefed.

BARTLET
As far as I can tell, their reluctance has little, if anything, to do with
bananas.

TOBY
I'm meeting with some key people this afternoon.

BARTLET
You're all set?

TOBY
I was raised on Sesame Street. I was raised on Julia Child. I was raised on
Brideshead
Revisited. Their legacies are safe in my hands.

C.J. is standing in the doorway, giggling.

TOBY
[to C.J.] You've got a problem?

C.J.
[laughing] You watched cooking shows?

TOBY
I watched Miss Julia Child.

C.J.
Okay.

LEO
C.J.? Mandy talk to you about the Lydells?

C.J.
Yeah.

BARTLET
You're going to sit with them?

C.J.
When they get in this afternoon.

BARTLET
And talk to the father.

C.J.
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
The mother too, but I'm concerned about the father.

C.J.
Sir, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly is the nature of your concern?

LEO
Mandy says he's withdrawn, that he doesn't say much.

C.J.
I don't understand... His son was just killed.

LEO
His son was just killed because he was gay.

C.J.
And...?

BARTLET
This is no time to out a guy in front and center who's embarrassed that his
son was gay.

C.J.
Really?

LEO
Fathers and sons, C.J.. This guy sells dental supplies in the Twin Cities,
so how
enlightened do you think he's going to be?

C.J.
Yeah... but his son just died.

BARTLET
Sit and talk to them.

C.J.
Yes, sir.

LEO
Was that it?

C.J.
Mr. President, I was wondering if you had an opportunity to look at the Sex
Education
report?

BARTLET
I haven't had chance yet.

C.J.
Because it's very dramatic and I think we should talk about the right form
with which
to present it to the public.

BARTLET
Give me a chance to look it over and we'll talk at the end of the day.

C.J.
Yes, sir, thank you.

Everyone starts to leave.

BARTLET
Josh and Sam, wait up a second. Leo, don't go away. [follows Josh and Sam
into the hallway]
[to the agent outside] Excuse us a second. Thank you.

The agent walks off.

BARTLET
[to Josh and Sam] What time are you going up to the Hill?

JOSH
Noon.

BARTLET
I want to pre-empt a hearing. I don't want it. I don't want it for Leo. I
don't want
it for his family. I don't want it for us. They know that, and they're gonna
play "Let's
Make a Deal." Don't take anything off the table until you've talked to
me. You understand?

JOSH
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Okay. Unless a war breaks out, I'll be spending much of my day talking about
bananas.

SAM
Godspeed to you, sir.

BARTLET
Thank you.

JOSH
Thank you, Mr President.

BARTLET
Alright. [goes back into the office to join Leo] Is Simon Blye coming in to
meet with
you today?

LEO
How did you know that?

BARTLET
I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with
my compact
camera. [sits]

LEO
Sir...

BARTLET
Margaret told me. Look, why are you meeting with that man?

LEO
He's a good friend.

BARTLET
No, he's not.

LEO
He's been a good friend to me.

BARTLET
In good times, Leo. It's not hard to like a guy when he's doing well. The
measure of a
man is, how does he behave when things are otherwise?

LEO
I need some counsel.

BARTLET
That you couldn't get from me? Or Toby, or Josh, or Sam, or C.J.?

LEO
I didn't mean that, Mr. President..

BARTLET
I know you...

LEO
And of course, your counsel is valued above all else. I just meant, I can
use all the
help I can get.

BARTLET
You put a lot of faith in people, Leo, and I love you for that. I just don't
want to
see you get disappointed.

LEO
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Especially now.

LEO
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Okay.

LEO
[leaving] Oh, at some point, you've got to read the Sex Ed report.

BARTLET
I will.

LEO
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
Thank you.

CUT TO:
INT. THE PRESS ROOM - DAY
Danny is typing. C.J. enters.

C.J.
Hey.

DANNY
Hey.

C.J.
Tell me something.

DANNY
Okay.

C.J.
Are we off the record?

DANNY
Sure.

C.J.
Are we?

DANNY
Yes.

C.J.
Feels like we're still on the record.

DANNY
I don't flick a switch or anything, C.J., we're off the record.

C.J.
[turning to leave] Never mind.

DANNY
What was it?

C.J.
It was nothing.

DANNY
I want to make it very clear that I have no objection to the kissing.

C.J.
I understand.

DANNY
I didn't want you to think it was a problem for me.

C.J.
There won't be any more kissing.

DANNY
I'm sorry to hear that.

C.J.
Is it possible that a father could be embarrassed about his son being gay,
even after
his son was murdered?

DANNY
Yes.

C.J.
Possible to the extent that he'd be disinclined to support a law that would
impose
stiffer penalties upon the perpetrators of hate crimes, including the ones
who tied
his 17 year old son to a tree and threw rocks at his head?

DANNY
Yes.

C.J.
It eludes me.

DANNY
I know.

C.J.
Okay.

DANNY
Are you going to tell us about the advance guy and the helicopter?

C.J.
I'll have information for you Friday.

DANNY
You're gonna dump it in the Friday trash.

C.J.
He's a C-level aide to the Vice President, Danny. He's resigning. You want
to run a
special section?

DANNY
Just minding the peoples' business.

C.J.
A job you're uniquely suited for.

DANNY
Thank you.

C.J.
Goodbye.

DANNY
Okay... [stands face to face with C.J.] See ya.

C.J.
Okay, you should go now.

DANNY
I work here.

C.J.
Yes, then... I should go.

DANNY
Okay. [watches C.J. leave]

CUT TO: INT. CAPITOL HILL - DAY
Josh and Sam are sitting inside a large conference room, opposite Congressman
BRUNO and
two of his aides.

BRUNO
This isn't a trial, this isn't a deposition, you won't be sworn in, you're
not on the
record. There will be no record. I sit on the House appropriation subcommittee
for White
House budget and management. Many of my colleagues, as you can imagine,
are asking that
hearings be held to determine if there was any wrong-doing on the part of
senior White
House staffers in covering up Leo McGarry's past problems with alcohol and
drugs. I want
to see if we can avoid that, as I'm sure you do as well.

SAM
Yes, sir.

BRUNO
So, what happened?

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY
Leo is sitting at his desk. Margaret walks in.

MARGARET
Leo?

LEO
Is he here?

MARGARET
Yes.

LEO
Send him in.

Leo's good friend, SIMON BLYE walks in. Margaret leaves.

SIMON
Leo.

LEO
Simon. Thanks so much for coming.

SIMON
Of course.

LEO
Was there any trouble getting here?

SIMON
No, no.

LEO
How's Meredith?

SIMON
Spending all her time in the country now.

LEO
Well, you built the house, Simon.

SIMON
[laughs] Well, I know you're busy, Leo. Why don't we talk about you?

LEO
Okay.

CUT TO: INT. CAPITOL HILL - DAY
Josh and Sam's meeting continues.

SAM
This past November the 21st, Congressman Lillienfield announced, in a sort
of reckless
fashion, that one in three White House staffers was on drugs.

BRUNO
Yes.

JOSH
We were in the midst of announcing our nominee for the Supreme Court, so
there was a
certain amount of...

BRUNO
You didn't want to blow the moment?

JOSH
Yes.

BRUNO
You can speak candidly here, Josh.

JOSH
Thank you.

BRUNO
Did Toby Ziegler ask you to investigate the claim?

SAM
'Investigate' is a word that gets us into some trouble.

BRUNO
Ah. You conducted interviews with staffers to determine...

JOSH
There's a first clients.

BRUNO
Right. If there were any staffers using drugs, or if anyone knew of any
staffers using
drugs.

JOSH
That's right.

BRUNO
And Claypool subpoenaed the paperwork on the interviews?

JOSH
Under the Freedom of Information Act.

BRUNO
Okay. I've got your, er, Claypool deposition here and I want to talk about
it for a
moment.

SAM
Sure.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - DAY

SIMON
Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn. It's my understanding they're met with Bruno's
people right
now.

LEO
That's right.

SIMON
Trying to avoid a hearing?

LEO
Yeah.

SIMON
They won't be successful.

LEO
Josh and Sam are pretty good. And Bruno's a reasonable guy, so...

SIMON
There's going to be a hearing Leo, and it'll take months and it'll be
awful. We're
gonna hear stories about booze, and pills, and God knows what you did...

LEO
Simon...

SIMON
The President's got a budget to pass, he's got to get Mendoza confirmed,
and in nine
months he's got to get a Democratic congress elected. Leo.

LEO
Simon, did you come here to tell me you think I should resign?

SIMON
Yeah.

LEO
I've offered the President my resignation; he won't accept it.

SIMON
He's blinded by friendship, and he's being foolish, and you should point
that out to him.

LEO
Simon, I'm just taking a guess - is there an op-ed piece coming out that I
should know
about?

SIMON
In tomorrow's Post. I wanted to let you know as a courtesy as we've been
friends for so
long. I have a copy with me...

LEO
No, I don't need to see it. I know what it says. For the good of the party,
for the good
of the President, a leading Democrat comes out in the Post and calls for my
resignation.
That probably won't get much attention...

SIMON
Leo...

LEO
...and it will definitely not distract from the President's agenda.

SIMON
Now, hang on a sec...

LEO
I haven't seen you making the rounds on the Sunday morning talk shows in a
while, Simon.
I'm glad I could help out!

SIMON
I was hoping this would go differently.

LEO
Tell me something - where's your grave concern for country, party, and
President, when
you're out whoring for Atlantic Oil?

SIMON
I'm insulted by that.

LEO
Well, God, I sure didn't mean to hurt your feelings!

SIMON
I do not...

LEO
[standing up, as Simon tries to interrupt] I think you should walk out of
here now.
As a matter of fact, I think you should run.

Simon stands, and leaves the room.

LEO
Oh God.

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. CAPITOL HILL - DAY
Sam and Josh are still in the meeting on Capitol Hill with Bruno and his
two aides.

JOSH
For how long?

BRUNO
After the midterms.

SAM
That's almost a year.

BRUNO
Yes, sir.

JOSH
You want the White House to keep it in a drawer for a year?

BRUNO
Yes, sir.

JOSH
Why?

BRUNO
I don't want the debate. Nobody does. Nobody wants to support it. Nobody
wants to oppose
it. Nobody wants the debate - not until after the midterms.

JOSH
We put this thing in a drawer for a year and you can guarantee us...

BRUNO
...that there will be no hearings in the House, yes.

SAM
The President will never go for it.

BRUNO
Yes, he will.

JOSH
Leo McGarry hasn't done anything wrong. Neither has anyone else. The hearings
aren't going
to turn up anything. We're not frightened enough to suppress...

BRUNO
Oh, stop it. Honest to God. It doesn't matter what the hell the hearings
turn up. It's a
hearing! This one is drugs so it's sexy. This is Geraldo's dream come true. So
don't get
up with me okay? I am throwing you a rope - something I'd like the two of
you to remember
next time you're mouthing off on Face the Nation. You can't get anything
done cause House
Republicans are vindictive. [to aides] This is what happens you put teenagers
in the White
House. [to Sam and Josh] You guys screwed this up from the beginning! You
should have been
there first on McGarry. You should have had the White House counsel's office
run the
internal investigation. You've come remarkably close to perjury in this
Claypool deposition.
I'd like to run hearings on the two of you being stupid. But I don't have
that kind of time.
Here's the phone. I'm sure the President is waiting for your call. Excuse us.

Bruno and the aides stand up and leave the room. Josh and Sam stay sitting
there.

CUT TO: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Toby and C.J. are in a meeting with Congressional aides.

FEMALE AIDE
Toby, your argument isn't with us. We watch PBS. We like PBS. But we also
work with
Congressmen who have constituencies who want to know why the federal government
is
subsidizing television for rich people.

TOBY
It's not television for rich people.

MALE AIDE
Oh, Toby...

TOBY
It's not television for rich people. In fact, the public television audience
is a fairly
accurate reflection of the social and economic make up of the United
States. [reading]
One-quarter of the PBS audience is in households with incomes lower than
$20,000 a year.
Blacks comprise 11% of the public television audience and blacks comprise 11%
of the
commercial television audience. [Carol enters the room and C.J. looks
up.] 47%
of PBS viewers have a high school education or less [Toby looks up as
C.J. stands up to
join Carol in hallway], which is one percent better than the commercial TV
audience.
So what are you talking to me about?

In the HALLWAY, C.J. talks to Carol.

C.J.
Are they here?

CAROL
They're in the Mural Room.

C.J.
Why don't you get Mandy?

CAROL
Do you know where she is?

C.J.
She's in the Oval Office having what must be a very comfortable conversation
with the
President.

Carol smiles and walks down the hall.

CUT TO: INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Mandy and the President are in the Oval Office reading the same report.

BARTLET [reading]
"The majority of young people move from kissing to more intimate sexual
behaviors during
their teenage years. More than 50 percent engage in petting behavior.'' [to
Mandy] That's
what I think it is, right?

MANDY
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
"By the age of 14, more than 25 percent have touched a girl's..." I won't
say that word.
[he scribbles on the report then reads silently.] Not going to say
that. [scribbles]

MANDY
Okay.

BARTLET
[reading silently] Not going to say that. [scribbles]

MRS. LANDINGHAM
[just enters the room] Excuse me, Mr. President?

BARTLET
Yes?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Mandy, the Lydells are waiting in the Mural Room.

MANDY
Does C.J. know?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
She's waiting outside.

MANDY
[to Bartlet] Mr. President?

BARTLET
Go.

MANDY
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
Thank you.

Mandy leaves.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Would you like to share what's in that report, sir?

BARTLET
With you?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Yes.

BARTLET
No.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
May I ask why not, sir?

BARTLET
Because I'd rather not be in therapy for the rest of my life.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Very well, sir. [leaves]

BARTLET
[reading silently] I won't say that word. [scribbles]

CUT TO: INT. THE MURAL ROOM - DAY
Mandy and C.J. enter the room. JONATHAN and JENNIFER LYDELL are waiting
inside.

C.J.
Mr. and Mrs. Lydell?

MRS. LYDELL
Yes.

C.J.
I'm C.J. Cregg. And you've already met Mandy?

C.J. and Mandy shake hands with the Lydells.

MRS. LYDELL
Yes, how do you do?

C.J.
Please sit. [They all sit.] We want to thank you for coming such a long way,
particularly
so soon after this unspeakable tragedy.

MRS. LYDELL
Well, we're glad to be here.

C.J.
Mrs. Lydell, that's why we asked to talk to you for a minute. It was Mandy's
impression -
and perhaps it was mistaken - that you and your husband... uh... have some
reservations
about appearing in support of the President. I hate to have to put it so
bluntly, but is
that true?

MRS. LYDELL
C.J., we strongly support the hate crimes law the President is signing
tomorrow night.

C.J.
Mr. Lydell?

MR. LYDELL
Yes?

C.J.
I'm sorry. I was asking... Mr. Lydell, I don't know how else to put this. But
if you
appear in front of the press to be at all embarrassed about your son's
homosexuality...
I guess... let me just say this, do you support the President?

MRS. LYDELL
Yes, we do.

MR. LYDELL
No, we do not.

MRS. LYDELL
Jonathan....

MR. LYDELL
No, that was really the last... [Mrs. Lydell tries to protest] No, we do
not. The hate
crimes bill is fine. Who gives a damn? It's fine. I don't care. If you ask
me, we shouldn't
be making laws against what's in a person's head but who gives a damn? I
don't understand
how this President, who I voted for, I don't understand how he can take such
a completely
weak-ass position on gay rights.

MRS. LYDELL
Jonathan...

MR. LYDELL
[touches his wife's hand] Gays in the military, same-sex marriage, gay
adoption, boards
of education - where the hell is he? I want to know what qualities necessary
to being a
parent this President feels my son lacked? I want to know from this President,
who has
served not one day in Vietnam - I had two tours in Vietnam. I want to know
what qualities
necessary to being a soldier this President feels my son lacked? Lady,
I'm not embarrassed
my son was gay. My government is.

Mandy and C.J. look away from the Lydells, apparently uncomfortable.

MANDY
[to the Lydells] Will you excuse us for a minute?

C.J. and Mandy walk out to the HALLWAY, closing the door behind them.

C.J.
Mandy...

MANDY
We're going to have to send them home.

C.J.
They'll be fine.

MANDY
[incredulous] They won't be fine!

C.J.
Mandy...

MANDY
You heard the man. This thing is going to be over and the press is going to
surround them.

C.J.
So, the press surrounds them. He says what he says.

MANDY
[surprised] What are you talking about?

C.J.
He made a reasonable point. And maybe, given the circumstances, he's got a
right.

MANDY
To talk to reporters on our dime?

C.J.
Yeah. Maybe. Yeah.

MANDY
You are the White House press secretary.

C.J.
They said they support the bill.

MANDY
C.J.!

C.J.
[overlapping Mandy] What else... I'm saying...

MANDY
Get it together!

C.J.
[beat] Yeah. All right. All right. I know. I know.

MANDY
We have to tell them.

C.J.
I know.

MANDY
I'll go let them know.

C.J.
No. No, I'll do it.

MANDY
Okay.

C.J. opens the door to THE MURAL ROOM, enters and closes the door.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. THE ROOSEVELT ROOM - DAY
Toby continues his meeting with the Congressional aides.

FEMALE AIDE
I've got news for you Toby. When PBS claims that a majority of households
are weekly
viewers they use the Nielsen index. That's based on diaries.

MALE AIDE
Those results always show vastly higher PBS viewing than the numbers gathered
by the
automated boxes.

FEMALE AIDE
Why? Because...

TOBY
Because people want to claim they're more sophisticated than they are.

FEMALE AIDE
That's right.

TOBY
Look...

MALE AIDE
Wait, wait, hang on. There's one other thing. Product licensing for Big Bird
dolls and
Fuzzy Bear toys?

TOBY
Fozzy Bear.

MAN
Oh, oh whatever.

TOBY
[with increasing agitation] It's Fozzy Bear, not Fuzzy Bear.

MAN
Product licensing for this merchandise brings in over $20 million a year,
none of which
goes to PBS, all of which goes to the show's producer, the Children's
Television Workshop.
Now this is a company whose Chief Executive earns high six figures in salary
and benefits
per year, yet the show is subsidized by taxpayer dollars.

TOBY
It's a perfectly reasonable complaint.

WOMAN
And?

TOBY
I don't care.

MAN
Toby...

TOBY
We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, a time when the public
is rightly
concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is
gonna protect
the muppets, we're gonna protect Wall-street Week, we're gonna protect Live
from Lincoln
Center and by god, we are going to protect Julia Childs.

WOMAN
Toby...

C.J. knocks on one of the doors.

TOBY
Hang on.

Toby crosses over to where C.J. is waiting outside.

C.J.
I got a message you wanted to see me?

TOBY
I've got good news.

C.J.
What?

TOBY
Josh and Sam cut a deal on the hill. No hearing for Leo, he's gonna be out
of the woods.

C.J.
Oh Toby, that's, that's great.

TOBY
I gotta get back in there. This is just too much fun.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - DAY
Inside, looking out toward Cathy's desk, Cathy sees something to her right,
she crosses
to Sam's door and knocks.

CATHY
Sam?

SAM
Cathy, there is a small town in Alabama that wants to pass a law saying if
I don't honor
my father I go to jail. What do you think about that?

CATHY
How do they know if you're honoring your father or not?

SAM
Yeah, I think they've overlooked that.

CATHY
She's here.

SAM
Send her in.

KAREN LARSON, a quiet woman in her 20's, enters, looking apprehensive.

SAM
[crossing in front of his desk] Are you Karen Larson?

KAREN
Yes.

SAM
I'm Sam Seaborn.

KAREN
I know.

SAM
[shuts the door with a loud bang] The advance man you ratted out doesn't
work for us
anymore Karen, he works for the Vice President. Kind of screwed yourself
there, didn't you?

KAREN
I didn't...

SAM
You trying to win one for the Vice President?

KAREN
I didn't...

SAM
Were you?

KAREN
I wasn't...

SAM
I've got four witnesses, Karen. I've got Ginger in my office, I have a guy
from political
liaison and I have two wire service reporters. Were you trying to protect
your boss?

KAREN
Mr. Seaborn...

SAM
There are people here that say you've been acting funny. Like you're guilty
and you've got
something to hide. They think you're the one who leaked the story about the
advance man.
I'm thinking something different.

KAREN
Mr. Seaborn, I had absolutely nothing to do with the reporters finding out...

SAM
I don't give a damn about the round of golf. I don't give a damn about the
helicopter.
I don't give a damn about the advance man. [Karen looks to the floor] Karen,
look at me.
[pause] Were you the one who leaked Leo McGarry's personnel file to
Lillianfield and
Claypool?

KAREN
[realization dawning] Oh...

SAM
What?

KAREN
Mr. Claypool is a family friend...

SAM
CATHY! [Cathy opens the door.] Take her back to her office and stand there
while she
cleans out her desk. [walks to the door, then turns over his shoulder to
Karen]
Security's going to throw you out of the building in fifteen minutes [leaves]

CUT TO: INT. OUTER OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Bartlet comes in and approaches Mrs. Landingham.

BARTLET
Mrs. Landingham.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
Yes sir?

BARTLET
You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.

MRS. LANDINGHAM
I'm afraid not sir, no.

BARTLET
Why not?

MRS. LANDINGHAM
You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.

BARTLET
I wasn't snippy!

MRS. LANDINGHAM
I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looking toward the oval office] C.J.'s
waiting, sir.

BARTLET
Thank you, Mrs. Landingham.

He crosses into THE OVAL OFFICE and shuts the door.

BARTLET
She withholds food from me.

C.J.
Mr. President, I hate to keep jumping up and down on this, but...

BARTLET
The sex-ed report.

C.J.
Yes sir.

BARTLET
We're gonna leave it alone for a while.

C.J.
Sir, when you say...

BARTLET
[busy at his desk] After the midterm elections.

C.J.
That's a year from now.

BARTLET
Yeah.

C.J.
We're gonna stick it in a drawer?

BARTLET
It's a pretty incendiary report.

C.J.
You don't think we have an obligation to present the information?

BARTLET
[crosses out to stand in front of her] It's not gonna play well at a PTA
meeting, C.J.
It says we should be teaching kids to have sex.

C.J.
It does not, Mr. President, excuse me sir, but it does not.

BARTLET
Of course it doesn't. But that's how it's going to play.

C.J.
The report is very direct, sir, it says with holding knowledge about having
sex doesn't
prevent teenagers from having sex, it prevents teenagers from having sex
safely. And it
says offering information about safe sex doesn't increase the rate of sex,
it increases
the rate of protected sex.

BARTLET
[in a somewhat patronizing tone] C.J.

C.J.
We commissioned this report, Mr. President. These people are doctors; we
asked them a
question. How can we put it in a drawer just cause we don't think people
are going to
like the answer?

BARTLET
C.J., getting it through this congress, a body which at the moment, will
only give federal
funding to sex education programs that teach abstinence only.

C.J.
We have an enormous pulpit from which...

BARTLET
[raising his voice] And we will avail ourselves of that pulpit but we will
do it after
the midterm elections.

C.J.
[a pause, realizes] I think I understand.

BARTLET
I needed to get Leo off the hook, C.J.

C.J.
It's the deal Josh and Sam made.

BARTLET
Yes. We'll deal with it after the midterm elections.

C.J.
I understand.

BARTLET
[back behind his desk] I was hoping you would.

C.J.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Umm, several members of the press already know, I think,
the report
came back to us and...

BARTLET
Yeah. Well there's nothing wrong with telling them we got it. I wouldn't
make a big deal
out of it. We got it, we're looking at it, we're studying it. Throw it out
with the trash.

C.J.
Yes sir.

BARTLET
Thanks, C.J.

C.J.
Thank you sir. [almost out the door, but stops and turns back to face
Bartlet]
Mr. President? We could all be better teachers.

BARTLET
I know.

C.J. leaves, as Bartlet removes his glasses, looking pensive.

CUT TO: INT. THE PRESS ROOM - NIGHT
C.J. is sitting on the back steps leading out of the press area. Danny enters,
from the
back room.

DANNY
C.J.?

C.J.
Hi.

DANNY
What are you doing?

C.J.
Hmm?

DANNY
What are you doing?

C.J.
[thinking] I was... uh.... nothing.

DANNY
O.K.

C.J.
Danny?

DANNY
Mmhmm?

C.J.
If you call Mr. and Mrs. Lydell in St. Paul and ask them why...

DANNY
Don't.

C.J.
Look...

DANNY
Don't leak me a story.

C.J.
I wasn't.

DANNY
I've seen this look on the face of four other press secretaries before
you. You've got a
story in the trash this week that's a story, you want it out there and
someone said no.

C.J.
There all stories this week.

DANNY
That happens sometimes.

C.J.
Four other press secretaries and you never took a free lead?

DANNY
No I always took a free lead.

C.J.
Then...

DANNY
Not from you.

C.J.
Why?

DANNY
Cause twenty minutes from now you're gonna remember you're a professional
and you're not
gonna like me anymore.

C.J.
[thinking this over] What makes you think I'll like you now?

DANNY
I don't know. But as long as you keep grabbing me and kissing me what the
hell do I care?

C.J.
Good point.

DANNY
If there's a story, I'll find it.

C.J.
No you won't.

DANNY
How do you know?

C.J.
[Standing up] Cause we've gotten very good at this.

DANNY
Yes, you have.

C.J.
Yes, we have.

C.J. heads into the briefing room, Danny follows.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo is at his desk watching television.

CAROL [on T.V.]
Please, take your seats folks, the press conference will start in two
minutes. Please,
take your seats...

MARGARET
Leo?

LEO
Yeah?

MARGARET
Karen Larson is here.

LEO
Thanks.

Leo turns off the T.V. as Margaret leaves. Karen Larson enters, holding a
box with her
personal items.

LEO
I'm Leo McGarry.

KAREN
Yes, sir.

LEO
I wanted to meet you and I wanted you to meet me.

KAREN
Yes, sir.

LEO
Would you like to put down your things and talk for a minute? If you don't,
I understand.

Karen places her box on the table and turns back to Leo.

LEO
When you read in my personnel file that I had been treated for alcohol and
drug abuse,
what went through your mind? Karen, it's okay, you can say it. The worst
thing I'm
empowered to do is fire you and I've already done that.

KAREN
My father drank a lot...

LEO
[nodding] So did mine. In fact he died from it. He came home late one night
very drunk,
my mother was yelling at him. I'm not sure about what, but I heard the
yelling downstairs
from my bedroom. She came upstairs and he went out to the garage and shot
himself in the
head.

KAREN
Is that why you drank and took drugs?

LEO
I drank and took drugs because I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic.

KAREN
How long did it take you to get cured?

LEO
I'm not cured. You don't get cured. I haven't had a drink or a pill in six
and a half
years, which isn't to say I won't have one tomorrow.

KAREN
What would happen if you did?

LEO
I don't know. But probably a nightmare the likes of which both our fathers
experienced.
And me too.

KAREN
So after six and a half years you're still not allowed to have a drink?

LEO
The problem is, I don't want a drink, I want ten drinks.

KAREN
Are things that bad?

LEO
[laughing slightly] No.

KAREN
Then why?

LEO
'Cause I'm an alcoholic.

KAREN
I don't understand.

LEO
I know. It's okay. Hardly anyone does. It's very hard to understand.

KAREN
You're not like what I thought you would be like.

LEO
You haven't answered my question yet. When you saw my personnel file, when
you saw I'd
been through treatment, what when through your mind?

KAREN
My father used to... [She falters. It's obvious this is not a subject she's
comfortable
discussing] You have all these important decisions to make in your job,
every day, all
the time, decisions I can't even... people's lives.

LEO
Karen, what you did caused a lot of problems; for me, for the President,
and for a lot of
people we don't even know. But I'm not sure it wasn't a little bit brave. Did
you like
working at the White House?

KAREN
Yes, sir.

LEO
Okay. Then why don't you go unpack your carton and you and I will give each
other a second
chance?

KAREN
[smiles, then nods] Okay.

She picks up her box and quietly leaves. Leo pauses, then turns back to the
television to
watch C.J.'s briefing.

C.J. [on T.V.]
Just a few more quick things, Chad Margrudien has submitted his resignation
to the Vice
President's office putting an end, I hope, to that affair. We expect the
President's
appointees to the Board of the Corporation of Public Broadcasting to be
confirmed early
next week. Oh, I have I not here that Jonathan and Jennifer Lydell won't be
able to be at
the bill signing ceremony later this evening. There was some family business
that required
them to go back to St. Paul.

DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John
Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement
is intended.

Episode 1.13 -- 'Take Out The Trash Day'
Original Airdate: January 26, 2000, 9:00 PM EST