THE WEST WING
"DEAD IRISH WRITERS"
WRITTEN BY: AARON SORKIN
DIRECTED BY: ALEX GRAVES


TEASER

FADE IN: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jed Bartlet is sitting on a chair doing a crossword puzzle. He is formally
dressed,
black-tie, but his jacket is hanging on the back of his seat. Abbey is
dressed
formally as well, in a beautiful olive green ball gown, but she is still in
the
middle of preparation, and Bartlet is getting impatient. Abbey walks to him.

ABBEY
Do you like these earrings?

BARTLET
[without looking] I do.

ABBEY
You want to look at them first?

BARTLET
[still not looking] Are they new?

ABBEY
No.

BARTLET
[still not looking] You've worn them?

ABBEY
Yeah.

BARTLET
[still into his puzzle] I love them. "Laissez-faire doctrine." 15 letters.

ABBEY
[walking away] Social Darwinism.

BARTLET
No, that's not the answer. See, 'cause Social Darwinism isn't a doctrine. It's
a
force of nature. The answer is "libertarianism." [scribbles down his answer]

ABBEY
I'm gonna be ready in two minutes.

BARTLET
Take your time.

ABBEY
Passive-aggression is not gonna get me out the door any faster.

BARTLET
Boo boo, I gave up on getting you out the door in the late 70's. Plus,
it's your
birthday. You're old, and you don't move around that fast.

ABBEY
Libertarianism has 14 letters not 15.

BARTLET
I know, so I'm shading in the extra box. [scribbles on the puzzle]

ABBEY
And it's not my birthday.

BARTLET
It's your birthday week. It's a week of festivities like Mardi Gras or
Lent. Three
letters. "It may be bitter." "Tea," right?

ABBEY
"It may be bitter?"

BARTLET
Yeah.

ABBEY
Why "tea"?

BARTLET
'Cause "woman" doesn't fit.

ABBEY
"End," you idiot. "Bitter end."

BARTLET
Hey, when the Medical Board gives you the results of the hearing, do they
slap it up
on one of those X-ray light boards? "Here's where the problem is with your
testimony,
Abbey. Here and here."

ABBEY
That! That's funny? The other 23 jokes weren't funny. Well, it's not that
they weren't
funny. It's just they weren't ha ha funny, you know, but 12 years of medical
school, my
life, my work, my future, everything, up on the X-ray board? That's comedy!

BARTLET
See, I know it sounds like you're praising me, but...

ABBEY
Oh, shut up.

BARTLET
[pause] It's not your life or 12 years of anything or anything. They're
gonna give you
the very least they can give you.

ABBEY
They can't give me the very least they can give me. The least they can give
me is a
letter of concern, which is private and unpublished, but that isn't available
to me
because I fought the case and stood by my convictions.

BARTLET
Well, that was stupid.

ABBEY
Do your crossword puzzle. [sits on the bed]

BARTLET
Standing by your convictions isn't gonna get you anywhere. This isn't some
guy off the
street talking. I'm a very successful politician.

ABBEY
How many people are at this party?

BARTLET
About 200, but that was five or six hours ago when it started.

ABBEY
Once more with the passive-aggressive.

BARTLET
"Body organ, produces hydrochloric acid." That's the kidney, right? Or the
lima bean?

ABBEY
Pancreas.

BARTLET
See, they can't take medical school away from you.

ABBEY
Jed?

BARTLET
Abbey, come here.

She does. Bartlet stands and puts his jacket on.

BARTLET
I know you're scared. I'm very confident. So you be whatever you want. Whatever
happens
happens tomorrow. Tonight is your birthday party, and your earrings are great,
so are
your shoes. So can we, for the love of God, get out of this room?!

ABBEY
Good to get that off your chest?

BARTLET
Yeah.

SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES.
END TEASER
* * *

ACT ONE

FADE IN: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
Jed and Abbey are now walking along a large, red-carpeted hallway. Off to
the sides are
agents in detail, standing guard. Heading for the birthday party, Bartlet
names several
menu items for the celebration.

BARTLET
Pheasant and morel consomme, miniature ravioli of fois gras and smoked goose
confit, a
little Canary melon sorbet as a palate cleanser, all served on the finest
Lenox china.

ABBEY
Ah. You planned this all yourself?

BARTLET
A '97 Willamette Valley Pinot Noir. A '94 Hog Cellars Zinfandel.

ABBEY
You really planned this all yourself?

BARTLET
I'm like Gatsby, but without the problems.

ABBEY
Listen, we're gonna keep this relaxed, right? I-I'm not sure I'm up for a
lot of First
Lady fanfare tonight.

BARTLET
Hmm.

ABBEY
What?

BARTLET
I kind of wished you'd mentioned that before.

ABBEY
Why?

Suddenly, the doors to the RECEPTION HALL fly open, and the band plays loud
trumpet
fanfare. Someone announces the arrival.

HERALD
Ladies and gentlemen, Abbey Bartlet!

BARTLET
[quietly to Abbey] It's gonna be relaxed. It's gonna be relaxed.

Hundreds of guests applause and cheer for the Bartlets when they enter.

BARTLET
[to Abbey] For dessert, we're having Kumquat Napoleons.

ABBEY
Shut up.

BARTLET
Okay.

Jed and Abbey smile for the cameras and start to mingle with the guests.

CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER
The music has changed. Josh and Amy approach Bartlet and Abbey.

JOSH
Happy birthday, Mrs. B.

ABBEY
Oh, thank you, Josh. [gives a friendly kiss to Josh then to Amy] Amy,
a friend.

AMY
Happy birthday. You look beautiful.

BARTLET
Amy.

ABBEY
You know, I'm responsible for the two of you. I haven't gotten credit for
that yet.

JOSH
The jury's still out.

AMY
Yeah. We'll see.

ABBEY
I hope Donna's coming.

BARTLET
Donna was invited. All the women of the west wing. We're doing a calendar.

JOSH
I'm not sure what's keeping her.

MARBURY
[approaching] Abigail!

BARTLET
Now, it's a party!

ABBEY
Oh, yes, Your Lordship! [laughs]

MARBURY
Your breasts are magnificent.

BARTLET
All right.

ABBEY
Oh, um, thank you, John.

MARBURY
May I inquire, Mr. President, the first thing that attracted you to Abigail,
was it
her magnificent breasts?

ABBEY
It was.

BARTLET
You know, John, there are places in the world where it might be considered
rude to
talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.

MARBURY
My God! Really?

ABBEY
Yeah.

MARBURY
[takes two glasses of wine from a waiter and gives one to Abbey]
Abbey, I bring you warm wishes from Her Royal Majesty.

BARTLET
That was nice of her. [reaches for the other glass but pulls back when
Marbury takes
it for himself]

MARBURY
Would that I could deliver the same wishes for you, Mr. President.

BARTLET
What did I do?

MARBURY
Brendan McGann cannot visit the White House.

BARTLET
Look, obviously, we knew this was gonna be a thing, but it doesn't have to
be tonight,
right?

MARBURY
No, absolutely not. I shall take it up with Gerald.

ABBEY
Who's Gerald?

BARTLET
I'm pretty sure he means Leo.

MARBURY
[drinks] Hmm. Oh, do you have a new chief of staff?

BARTLET
No.

MARBURY
Well, then Gerald, it is. Abbey, enjoy your birthday gala. [growls] I shall
await a dance.

ABBEY
I won't make you wait long, Your Lordship.

MARBURY
Excellent. [walks off]

BARTLET
[to Abbey] So! So far so good.

CUT TO: INT. THE WEST WING - NIGHT
C.J. walks down the hallway and enters the room just outside Leo's office,
by Margaret's
desk, where Leo and Margaret are busy working.

C.J.
Leo?

LEO
Yeah. Do me a favor, would you? Check out a rumor that a Robert Nolan,
who's the chairman
of the New Hampshire State Medical Board is gonna recuse himself from Abbey's
hearing.

C.J.
N-O-L-A-N?

LEO
Yeah.

C.J.
And what's the source?

They walk inside LEO'S OFFICE.

LEO
I don't know the original source, but it's coming from the Manchester Union
Leader,
and you got to change taxicabs a couple of times because I don't want the
paper knowing
we're asking questions.

C.J.
That's no problem. What's going on?

LEO
Well, let's confirm the story first. If it's true, bring it to the President.

C.J.
Okay, and one of us... well, you... need to talk to Abbey tonight about
tomorrow.

LEO
Happy birthday, Abbey.

C.J.
I'll get this other thing.

She leaves just as Margaret enters. Sam is on his way inside too.

C.J.
Hey.

SAM
Hey. Jack Enlow?

C.J.
No, it's C.J. Cregg. We've met.

SAM
And laughed and laughed. Is Jack Enlow at the party yet?

C.J.
I'm not at the party yet.

SAM
Fair point.

C.J.
Look, if you're planning on starting a rumble with Enlow, can I send the
press home?

SAM
I'm not an instigator.

C.J.
Yes, you are.

SAM
Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.

C.J.
I can say this about you. You can wear a tuxedo.

SAM
I know.

C.J.
I know you know.

When C.J. walks off, Sam goes inside the office. A phone rings somewhere.

SAM
Good evening.

LEO
Why is Dalton Millgate coming here?

SAM
How did you know he was coming here?

LEO
How do you think?

SAM
Because you know everything.

LEO
Yes.

SAM
I had him for a semester at school. He and his people are having trouble
getting
funding for a superconductor, and I told him I'd use this opportunity to
put him
up with Jack Enlow.

LEO
You're gonna get into a fight with Jack Enlow?

SAM
Why does everybody think...? Never mind. I'm just doing him a favor.

LEO
Okay.

SAM
How you feeling about the First Lady?

LEO
I was feeling good, and now I'm not.

SAM
Why?

LEO
We're checking out, but I think the swing vote's gonna recuse himself. He's
a friend
of the family.

SAM
That means the President's gonna want to call him.

LEO
Maybe.

SAM
Yeah, he can't.

LEO
What?

SAM
He can't call him. It could send us into a whole new thing.

LEO
You ever mix politics and the President's family and get a good result?

SAM
No.

LEO
Me neither, and I've been a this a lot longer.

SAM
Okay. Seriously, he can't pick up the phone.

LEO
Isn't it called a Supercollider?

SAM
Is it?

LEO
You called it a Superconductor.

SAM
Whatever.

LEO
Keep blood off your shirt.

SAM
I'm not an instigator. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA - NIGHT
As Josh comes from down the hall, he sees Donna. She has a beautiful red
dress on,
but instead of enjoying herself at the party, she's in the bullpen working,
putting
different files on different places. Josh follows her.

JOSH
Donna.

DONNA
Hello.

JOSH
What are you doing here?

DONNA
Are you having a good time?

JOSH
The party's started.

DONNA
Is the champagne flowing as smoothly as the badinage? Are there elegant men
and
beautiful gowns?

JOSH
The men are in tuxes.

DONNA
'And beautiful gowns,' I said. Not 'in beautiful gowns.'

JOSH
What are you doing here?

DONNA
There's a problem when the Secret Service did its routine background check
on the
guest list.

JOSH
A problem with what?

DONNA
With me.

JOSH
Donna, you work in the White House. You fly with the President. What's the
problem?

DONNA
I do not know.

JOSH
Come with me. Come to the party.

DONNA
I don't think I should do that.

JOSH
Why?

DONNA
Well, they'll shoot me.

JOSH
They didn't tell you what the problem was?

DONNA
They said they'll get back to me.

JOSH
You want me to get into it?

DONNA
That would be very nice.

JOSH
Yeah. You look good.

DONNA
Thanks.

A MOVING SHOT to the NORTHWEST LOBBY. From the other end of the hall, Sam
approaches
DR. DALTON MILLGATE, who has been waiting for him.

SAM
Dr. Millgate?

DR. DALTON MILLGATE
Sam.

SAM
It's been a long time.

MILLGATE
Yes.

SAM
And now the student becomes the teacher, huh?

MILLGATE
Not really. No.

They start to walk.

SAM
Okay. So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics?

MILLGATE
No.

SAM
Why?

MILLGATE
You were bad at it.

SAM
No, I wasn't.

MILLGATE
Yeah.

SAM
I just needed a little encouragement.

MILLGATE
No.

SAM
Look, Congress isn't gonna fund your damn Superconductor, all right?

They reach SAM'S OFFICE.

MILLGATE
Supercollider. Superconducting Supercollider. This is exactly what I'm
talking about.
A 54-mile tunnel, 150 feet below ground in which protons and antiprotons
would be flung
into each other at the speed of light. Can you remember that?

SAM
Yes.

MILLGATE
Good 'cause when you talk about it, you should sound like an idiot.

SAM
Okay.

MILLGATE
There's no lobby for this, Sam. There's no presence in Washington. It's just
me on the
Amtrak coming to see you. That's how seriously the government takes it.

SAM
Well, there was a time...

MILLGATE
I know.

SAM
Congress spent two billion.

MILLGATE
Yeah, but all they did was clear the land and build the lab. We need the
thing. Now,
is he there?

SAM
The senator?

MILLGATE
Yeah.

SAM
Yeah.

MILLGATE
'Cause you said he'd be there. You said he'd be at the party.

SAM
He's there.

MILLGATE
Go talk to him. [sits]

SAM
Okay. I said I'd do this, but it's likely he's gonna say this is an
unaffordable luxury.

MILLGATE
We're losing the race for discovery, Sam. For discovery. Tonight, it's just
me and you.

SAM
That doesn't really sound like enough.

MILLGATE
No.

SAM
What hotel are you staying in?

MILLGATE
I'm not staying in a hotel.

SAM
Where can I call you?

MILLGATE
I'm gonna be right here.

SAM
It's not like a drive-up window, Dr. Millgate.

MILLGATE
You're wasting time.

SAM
Okay. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT
Back at the party, lush, romantic music plays. Abbey is taking pictures with
several
guests. Nearby, Bartlet stands watch, with a drink in his hand.

BARTLET
[calls] Charlie!

CHARLIE
[walks up] Yes, sir.

BARTLET
I'm gonna need you later.

CHARLIE
Sure.

BARTLET
I want to work on my toast.

CHARLIE
Don't you want Sam or Toby?

BARTLET
I don't need help writing it. I can write a damn toast. I just want to say
it out
loud to somebody. Any warm body is fine.

CHARLIE
Thank you, sir.

BARTLET
So when I give you the signal, we'll go off someplace.

CHARLIE
What's the signal?

BARTLET
It'll be something like "Charlie, we're gonna go work on the toast now."

CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [leaves]

LEO
[walks up] Excuse me.

BARTLET
You finally got here.

LEO
Yeah.

BARTLET
I think Abbey's gonna pull a hamstring about tomorrow.

LEO
You mind if I talk to her a little bit?

BARTLET
About what?

LEO
You know, what she should be saying tomorrow.

BARTLET
I'm feeling all right about it.

LEO
Well, just in case.

BARTLET
[turns to look at Abbey] I don't know. She's pretty pissed.

LEO
Yeah, but at you, right?

BARTLET
Yeah.

LEO
Yeah. So?

BARTLET
All right.

LEO
Did she like the fanfare?

BARTLET
Loved it.

LEO
Okay.

When Leo walks off, Bartlet takes another sip of his drink. He turns to look
at Abbey
again, who is still taking pictures with guests, just as the music ends.

FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
* * *

ACT TWO

FADE IN: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT
A new, romantic dance music plays. Somewhere in the party, near the dancing
couples and
conversing guests, CHUCK KANE walks up to Josh and Amy.

CHUCK KANE
Josh.

JOSH
Chuck!

CHUCK
Good to see you.

JOSH
I didn't know you were friends with the First Lady.

CHUCK
My wife.

JOSH
Oh, sure, yeah. You know Amy Gardner?

CHUCK
Just by reputation.

AMY
Uh-oh.

CHUCK
I thought you were great on Crossfire yesterday.

AMY
I don't think I was on Crossfire yesterday.

CHUCK
I meant Josh.

JOSH
Actually, you meant Sam.

CHUCK
I heard it was you.

JOSH
No, but as long as you heard I was great.

CHUCK
Listen, uh, you still got my number right? About the thing?

JOSH
Yeah.

CHUCK
Nice meeting you.

JOSH
Good seeing you, Chuck.

After they watch Chuck go, Amy turns to Josh.

AMY
About the thing? You guys pulling a heist?

JOSH
No.

AMY
Come on. Let me in on the action. I can be a dame. I won't blow the whistle,
get you
cheesed.

JOSH
No, Mugsy. Chuck Kane heads Intergovernmental Affairs at Treasury, and he
wants a job
on the campaign as Deputy Political Director.

AMY
Is he gonna get it?

JOSH
I don't think so.

AMY
Who else are you considering?

JOSH
Mark Rothman and Robbie Gill.

AMY
Hmm.

JOSH
What?

AMY
I was just thinking Mark and Robbie are funny names for women.

JOSH
They're men.

AMY
I know.

JOSH
They happen to be men. [pulls Amy to the dance floor for a dance] They happen
to be men.

AMY
You're not hiring enough women in senior positions for the campaign.

JOSH
How do you know?

AMY
It's my job to know.

JOSH
We're in a dangerous area right now.

AMY
If women were the only voters, the Democrats would win in a landslide every
time. If men
were the only voters, the GOP would be the left-wing party. Women are gonna
be 60% of
the vote. Don't you think they should make up, I don't know, 40% of the
campaign staff?

JOSH
Let me tell you why this is a dangerous area. Because I can't make decisions
based on
the fact that I like your smooth skin.

AMY
[pause] You're right.

JOSH
Don't try and trick me.

AMY
No, you're really right. This should be off limits to us.

JOSH
Yes.

AMY
I apologize.

JOSH
You're trying to trick me.

AMY
No.

JOSH
I'm gonna be scared for the rest of the night.

AMY
Hey, what happened to Donna?

JOSH
Donna. Yes. Excuse me.

Josh walks away. Leo meets him. They walk.

LEO
Josh.

JOSH
Yeah.

LEO
Where's the President?

JOSH
He went off with Charlie to work on his toast.

LEO
All right. I'm gonna need a few minutes of uninterrupted time...

MARBURY [OS]
Gerald!

LEO
[annoyed] Yeah.

Josh and Leo turn to meet Lord Marbury, smiling.

MARBURY
Gerald, old sock.

JOSH
I got to go. [walks off]

LEO
Yeah.

MARBURY
Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

LEO
How are you, John?

MARBURY
I'm well, thank you very much, but Brendan McGann cannot come to the White
House.

LEO
Hang on. [calls] Toby!

Ahead of them, Toby stands and turns.

LEO
[to Marbury] You know Toby Ziegler?

MARBURY
Yeah. We've met on occasion.

LEO
Toby, come here. [He does.] Lord John Marbury.

MARBURY
Yes.

TOBY
[clears throat] Good evening, Your, uh, Lordship.

MARBURY
Uh, well, good evening, yes.

LEO
[to Marbury] Talk to him about McGann. [walks off]

TOBY
You have objections to him coming to the White House?

MARBURY
My objections are irrelevant. I convey the objections of Her Majesty's
Government.

TOBY
Which are?

MARBURY
He's a terrorist.

TOBY
Well, let's hang on a second. Sinn Fein is a political party. In fact,
the oldest in
Ireland.

MARBURY
And the political wing of the IRA...

TOBY
Sir...

MARBURY
A terrorist cell.

TOBY
I wouldn't...

MARBURY
You are honoring a man at your St. Patrick's Day dinner allied with car
bombers and
murderers of British soldiers. This not to mention Irish men, women and
children.

TOBY
Yes, sir.

MARBURY
And you're doing it to appease Democrats from New York City and Boston.

TOBY
He's not being honored. He's just been given an invitation.

MARBURY
He shouldn't be given a visa.

TOBY
And I think we have to be careful how we use the word "terrorist." [pause]
Can I call
you John?

MARBURY
I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croy, Marquess of Needham and Dolby,
Baronet of Brycey,
England's Ambassador to the United States, and a terrorist is a terrorist
even if he
wears a green necktie and sings "Danny Boy." Yes, you can call me John.

TOBY
[smiles a little] You feel like a drink?

MARBURY
Yeah, I was looking for some Lagavulin. It's a 16 year old islay single malt.

TOBY
I know Lagavulin.

MARBURY
They usually have it here.

TOBY
Let's go down the street. The guy keeps a bottle there.

MARBURY
Oh. Lead on.

Toby and Lord Marbury step off. They pass by Sam, who is walking the other
way. Ahead,
Sam spots Senator JACK ENLOW. He catches up with him.

SAM
Excuse me, Senator.

JACK ENLOW
[turns] Yes.

They meet, shake hands and walk.

SAM
Sam Seaborn.

ENLOW
Sure.

SAM
I was wondering if you had a moment.

ENLOW
Actually, I promised my wife a dance.

SAM
This will just take a moment. Believe it or not, I have an eminent physicist
in my
office. Dr. Millgate. You heard of him?

ENLOW
[stops and turns] Yes.

SAM
He was asking me about the Supercollider, and I didn't have any answers,
and...

ENLOW
It's dead.

SAM
It is?

ENLOW
As a Greek poet.

SAM
Well, I'm sure there's some poets alive in Greece someplace. Can you tell
me how it died?

ENLOW
I don't know.

SAM
Forgive me, sir. You're ranking member of the authorizing subcommittee. How
can you not
know?

ENLOW
It was put on anonymous hold.

SAM
That only applies to nominations.

ENLOW
Apparently, you're wrong.

SAM
Senator...

ENLOW
Anyone can hold any bill for any reason.

SAM
I don't understand. You file an objection. How long does it last?

ENLOW
Until the senator loses or dies. All you have to do is tell your party's
floor leader.

SAM
That's insane.

ENLOW
Says you.

SAM
Senator, this isn't a duck hunter with a gripe in my office. It's Dalton
Millgate.
Now who's blocking the damn Supercollider.

ENLOW
To guess would compromise the spirit of the anonymous hold.

SAM
To tell me would compromise the spirit of autocratic obstructionism.

ENLOW
We're talking about the U.S. Senate, kid. We're the saucer that cools the
coffee.

SAM
And the drain that swallows it, sir.

ENLOW
Check around. I'm on record in favor of it.

SAM
Thank God the hold's anonymous. [pause, realizes] It's you.

ENLOW
Sam, you really care about the Superconducting Supercollider?

SAM
I didn't before. It's a long night, and we're not done yet. Go dance with
your wife.

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Donna, still with her dress on, is playing solitaire on Josh's desk. Josh
walks in.

JOSH
Hi.

DONNA
They covered the arrivals on the news. Everyone looked so nice. And happy.

JOSH
I brought you some food.

DONNA
What's going on?

JOSH
Well, I-I don't have all the answers, but it's pretty weird, so far.

DONNA
What?

JOSH
Secret Service says there's an INS notation next to your name.

DONNA
What kind of notation?

JOSH
U.S. Citizen: N.

DONNA
They're saying I'm not a U.S. citizen?

JOSH
No, it... Yes.

DONNA
I-I don't understand.

JOSH
T-They're saying...

DONNA
I'm a U.S. citizen. I was born in Minnesota. We moved to Wisconsin. Now,
I live in
Washington. What the hell happened?

JOSH
A mistake of some kind.

DONNA
You think?

JOSH
We're sorting it out.

DONNA
I voted in every election since I... I paid, by the way, taxes as a citizen
of this
country. I have a birth certificate and a passport.

JOSH
It'll just take a few more minutes.

DONNA
You brought food?

JOSH
Olives. [fishes his pockets]

DONNA
Go away.

JOSH
All right.

DONNA
Give me the olives.

JOSH
Okay.

Josh gives her the olives, all wrapped in napkins. Before he leaves, Donna
begins
unwrapping them.

CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Leo leads Abbey inside and closes the door.

ABBEY
I'd kind of like to wait until we know something for sure before we start
planning.

LEO
Yeah. The thing is though, the first day's important. What I like to do,
for instance,
is schedule a public event, show we're not scared.

They both sit.

ABBEY
[clears throat] What about a comment?

LEO
You'll make a comment, but body language is gonna be just as important. Can't
hang
your head. You got to smile, but you look smug...

ABBEY
Yeah.

LEO
You got to...

ABBEY
Yeah. Yeah.

LEO
And there can't be... Obviously, there can't be no reaction.

ABBEY
What about the campaign?

LEO
[pause] I'm not gonna tell a man's wife she can't campaign.

ABBEY
I don't know what that means.

LEO
I think we can get a lot of use out of you in targeted Democratic areas. Big
cities,
evening fundraisers. We'll keep you out of the South.

ABBEY
[pause] Can we talk about this tomorrow?

LEO
We just need to...

ABBEY
How about tomorrow?

LEO
It's important.

ABBEY
A lot of things are important.

LEO
Of course.

Abbey gets up and starts to leave.

LEO
I'm sorry. Enjoy the party.

ABBEY
Thanks you.

She smiles at him before leaving.

CUT TO: EXT. OUTSIDE THE RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT
The two Agents open the door for Bartlet and Charlie as they step outside,
talking.
They are working on the toast.

BARTLET
"I've known my wife, Abbey, for nearly 150 years." No, I'm not gonna do
that. She's
not gonna think that's funny.

CHARLIE
Yeah.

BARTLET
Okay. I should... Yeah. Okay. "Thank you all for being here tonight." By
the way, do
you know where the term "toast" comes from?

CHARLIE
Can I say something, sir?

BARTLET
Yeah.

CHARLIE
I'd stick to Mrs. Bartlet and not get into entomology so much.

BARTLET
I was talking to you.

CHARLIE
Ah.

BARTLET
The Stuarts. They put a piece of toast in your wine cup to improve the flavor.

CHARLIE
Interesting.

BARTLET
1643. Members of the Middle Temple toasted Princess Elizabeth by pledging
to die in
her service.

CHARLIE
Hey, that could be the button.

C.J.
[walks up] Excuse me, Mr. President.

BARTLET
C.J., I haven't seen you all night.

C.J.
I haven't been able to make it out there yet, sir. I've been tracking
something down.

BARTLET
Charlie.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir. [walks back to the party]

BARTLET
[to C.J.] What is it?

C.J.
A piece on the Manchester Union-Leader. [reads from a note] "Sources close
to Robert
Nolan, president of the New Hampshire Medical Board, predict that he will
announce
his recusal from the case because of his personal..."

BARTLET
No. Damn it.

C.J.
"...relationship with the Bartlets." What does this mean for her?

BARTLET
We're pretty sure the Board was evenly divided, and Nolan was the deciding
vote, which
dictated a lot of her... Damn it!

C.J.
There was a personal relationship.

BARTLET
Yeah, they worked together for 20 years, and I was the governor who appointed
him to
the Board.

LEO
[walks up] Excuse me, sir.

BARTLET
C.J., you should probably tell Abbey.

C.J.
Yes, sir.

BARTLET
Thanks.

C.J.
Thank you, Mr. President. [leaves]

BARTLET
The Union-Leader says Nolan's gonna recuse himself.

Bartlet and Leo walk.

LEO
What's gonna happen?

BARTLET
They're gonna suspend her license for a year.

LEO
We just talked for a little bit.

BARTLET
And?

LEO
I don't think you need to be concerned about her leaving you for me.

BARTLET
I was pretty concerned about that.

LEO
She's definitely leaving you for somebody, so don't be so...

BARTLET
Can you leave me alone? I'm trying to be a husband, and your mojo's getting
all over me.

LEO
[pause] Marbury's sitting with Toby.

BARTLET
This is Brendan McGann, right?

LEO
Yeah.

BARTLET
Yeah. I don't know what to say about that.

LEO
[pause] I'll see you inside.

BARTLET
Yeah.

LEO
Thank you, Mr. President.

Leo heads back to the party. Bartlet stays still, in deep thought.

FADE OUT.
END ACT TWO
* * *

ACT THREE

FADE IN: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT
In big, cursive, icing letters, "Happy birthday Abbey" is spelled on the
birthday cake.
Nearby, the First Lady approaches Josh. Upbeat music is being played by the
band.

ABBEY
Josh.

JOSH
Good evening, ma'am.

ABBEY
Listen, I'm sorry to do this at a party, but this is a list of names I'd
like you to
consider for Deputy Political Director. [hands him a piece of paper]

JOSH
Uh... we got it down to a few finals.

ABBEY
Yeah. I'd like you to add these names.

JOSH
I can't help noticing these are all women.

ABBEY
Women are 60% of our vote, Josh. Don't you think they should make up at
least 40% of
our campaign staff?

JOSH
I'm sorry?

C.J.
[walks up] Mrs. Bartlet?

ABBEY
[to Josh] I said women are 60% of our vote. Don't you think...?

JOSH
Yeah.

ABBEY
You'll get on it?

JOSH
Yes, ma'am.

ABBEY
Having a good time?

JOSH
You bet. [walks off]

ABBEY
[to C.J.] You look beautiful.

C.J.
Thank you, ma'am, and so do you.

WOMAN [OS]
Happy birthday, Mrs. Bartlet.

Abbey waves and smiles to the woman.

C.J.
I need to speak with you for a second.

ABBEY
Oh, this can't be good.

C.J.
No, I'm afraid not. Abbey, the Union-Leader's got sources saying Dr. Nolan's
gonna
recuse himself from the case.

Abbey is hit hard, but still tries to maintain composure. With a smile,
she speaks.

ABBEY
Claudia Jean?

C.J.
Yes, ma'am?

ABBEY
Let's get drunk.

C.J.
[surprised] Oh, okay.

Abbey walks off. C.J. follows.

CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - CONTINUOUS
After the conversation with the First Lady, Josh finds his culprit. He drops
the list
in front of her on the table.

AMY
Hey, it's a list of women.

JOSH
[sits] Yes, it is.

AMY
She got right on it.

JOSH
Yes, she did.

AMY
Do you love me?

JOSH
You went over my head, and you did it behind my back.

AMY
Quite the contortionist, am I.

JOSH
What kind of position is Abbey Bartlet in to know anything...?

Josh stops as soon as he sees Abbey and C.J. approach. He stands.

ABBEY
Amy.

AMY
Yes, ma'am.

ABBEY
C.J. and I are gonna get drunk. Come on.

AMY
Yes, ma'am.

Abbey grabs a wine bottle and walks away. Amy stands and starts to grab her
own bottle
and a glass.

JOSH
You're going?

AMY
The First Lady just asked me to get boozy with her. You don't think I want
to write a
book one day?

JOSH
Amy... [his pager beeps]

AMY
You're beeping. [walks off]

C.J. has picked up her own bottle as well, along with a couple of glasses. She
smiles
at Josh before following Amy.

CUT TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Dr. Millgate is still waiting inside, smoking a cigar. Sam walks in.

SAM
All right. Listen.

MILLGATE
Yes? [stands]

SAM
Well, first of all, you're not allowed to smoke in the White House.

MILLGATE
You're kidding.

SAM
No.

MILLGATE
And the search for civilization continues.

SAM
Come outside.

They go outside and walk and talk. The professor continues to puff smoke
for the cigar.

SAM
I need you to tell me everything you can tell me about the Superconducting
Supercollider.

MILLGATE
How much time do we have?

SAM
About ten minutes.

MILLGATE
If you pay close attention, stay very, very quiet, I can teach you how to
spell it.

Out the dooble doors, they reach the PORTICO and stop walking.

SAM
Listen. This is what I do. I get things fast.

MILLGATE
Since when?

SAM
What is it?

MILLGATE
It's a machine that reveals the origin of matter, and I'm assuming from the
look on
your face $1000 on the table, you couldn't tell me what matter is.

SAM
You know what? I had four years. There's a lot of knowledge out there. I
may have
missed some... things.

MILLGATE
By smashing protons together at very high speeds and at very high temperatures,
we
can recreate the Big Bang in a laboratory setting, creating the kinds of
particles
that only existed in the first trillionth of a second after the universe
was created.

SAM
Okay, terrific. I understand that. What kind of practical applications does
it have?

MILLGATE
None at all.

SAM
You're not in any way a helpful person.

MILLGATE
Don't have to be. I have tenure.

SAM
Doctor.

MILLGATE
There are no practical applications, Sam. Anybody who says different is lying.

SAM
I need to be able to show him I can paint him against something. Children,
baseball,
campaign finance. What does it mean to be against the Supercollider?

MILLGATE
I really don't know where to start.

SAM
Come on.

MILLGATE
I really don't. Listen, what's your motivation?

SAM
What are you talking about? You called me and asked me...

MILLGATE
Well, you did me the favor, but now you're still going.

SAM
[pause] I have a history with this particular senator.

MILLGATE
Oh, well, uh, that's a really stupid ass reason, Sam.

SAM
I like to win.

MILLGATE
So this guy ate your Fruit Loops...?

SAM
What do you care?

MILLGATE
I don't.

SAM
What's your motivation?

MILLGATE
I'm a particle physicist.

SAM
Not suddenly. Why now?

MILLGATE
The budget resolution has to be passed by April 15. That means the authorizing
bill to
Senate Appropriations has to go up mid-March. Now, you can shoehorn a road
or a bridge
at the last minute, but not $12 million for a Supercollider. Also... I have
Non-Hodgkins
Lymphoma.

Sam is immediately surprised. Millgate paces and puffs smoke from his cigar.

CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT
Toby and Lord Marbury are seated by the counter. The bartender is pouring
their drinks.

TOBY
I think there's something to be said for giving McGann credibility by inviting
him to
the White House. It strengthens his hand in-in dealing with the more violent
members
of the party.

MARBURY
Degrees of violent.

TOBY
We also think if we legitimize him, the Protestants will wake up and accept
they've
got to negotiate with somebody.

MARBURY
Toby, you were the author, were you not, of the President's speech at the
General
Assembly?

TOBY
There were many authors.

MARBURY
Of which you were one. Two days ago, the IRA formally backed out of its
promise to put
its weapons beyond use...

TOBY
I--

MARBURY
...as agreed to in the Good Friday Peace Accord. True/False: Until it disarms
the IRA and
its political representatives in Sinn Fein are a terrorist group.

TOBY
True.

MARBURY
When did it become policy of the United States to negotiate with terrorists?

TOBY
We've had Arafat here, John.

MARBURY
And, my heaven, isn't that paying bloody dividends.

TOBY
It wasn't worth trying?

MARBURY
You're making the mistake of youth.

TOBY
The President's not a kid.

MARBURY
Your country is. You're involving yourself in a centuries-old conflict
without sufficient
regard for history. Listen to the warning of old friends. It was Kipling
who warned to
expect "the blame of those ye better, and the hate of those ye guard."

TOBY
And wasn't it James Joyce who said, "History is a nightmare from which I'm
trying to
awake."

MARBURY
Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill who said,
"There is no
present or future, only the past happening over and over again -- now."

TOBY
You're saying we should butt out of Ireland until we know what we're doing?

MARBURY
I'm saying Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

TOBY
[pause] Say, speaking of dead Irish writers...

MARBURY
Yes. Another drink.

CUT TO: INT. THE WHITE HOUSE/PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT
In a private room in the residence, Abbey, C.J. and Amy walk in with their
bottles and
glasses. The red room is elegantly decorated with paintings and fancy
furniture.

ABBEY
Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak. Far from the things of man. When Jed first took
me to his
house, which was 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak. Far from
the things
of man." What a jackass.

C.J.
I'm gonna open the wine.

ABBEY
The wine...

After gazing at the large painting on the wall, Amy tries to slowly open a
drawer below
the painting, making sure Abbey is not looking.

ABBEY
...is a '95 Old Vine Zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King
Baudouin of
Belgium and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase "My
husband's an
enourmous jackass."

Abbey and C.J. sit. Abbey sees Amy taking a peek at the drawer.

ABBEY
Amy, what are you looking for?

AMY
Anything I can takes notes with.

Amy joins them to sit. C.J. starts to open a wine bottle with a corkscrew.

C.J.
This is an excellent corkscrew. Just slides right in there like power
steering. The right
tool for the job. [tries to take the cork off, but couldn't] This corkscrew
sucks. Should
I call the steward?

ABBEY
No need to call the steward. I'm Board certified in thoracic surgery. And
a good thing,
too. [to Amy] Did Josh have a nutty on the campaign hiring?

AMY
He's, you know, he's adjusting.

ABBEY
Well, let him adjust faster. Jackass.

DONNA
[wanders in] Excuse me.

ABBEY
Oh, Donna.

DONNA
I'm sorry, ma'am. Josh was looking for Amy.

ABBEY
Well, she's right here. Where have you been all night?

DONNA
Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am.

ABBEY
Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron?

DONNA
It turns out I'm not an American citizen, so Secret Service wanted me to
talk to INS.

C.J.
What?

DONNA
I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified
the border,
and it's now in Manitoba.

C.J.
You're not an American?

DONNA
Missed it by four miles.

AMY
You seem pretty calm about it.

DONNA
No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been
throwing out
Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen. We don't
do that.

ABBEY
I'm sure it'll all work out.

DONNA
Thank you, ma'am. [turns to leave]

ABBEY
Where are you going?

DONNA
They've let me into the party now.

ABBEY
Why don't you stay and have some wine with us?

DONNA
Really?

ABBEY
Yeah.

DONNA
That's very nice of you. [sits] I probably shouldn't drink though.

C.J.
I wouldn't worry about it.

AMY
Canadian, huh?

DONNA
Yeah.

AMY
You feel funnier?

DONNA
No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.

C.J.
[struggling with the cork] Ah!

ABBEY
Did it come out?

C.J.
Next best thing. It's in the bottle.

ABBEY
We'll decant it.

AMY
Ah. Now it's a party.

C.J.
Yeah.

FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
* * *

ACT FOUR

FADE IN: INT. RESIDENCE/PRIVATE ROOM - NIGHT
Abbey, C.J., Amy and Donna are now on their second bottle of wine. They're
all laughing.

C.J.
This is a good bottle of wine. [laughs] Ah. It's almost made me forget how
much cork I
swallowed from the first bottle of wine. [laughs] I don't understand. It
was good
corkscrew. Graphite...

ABBEY
C.J.?

C.J.
Stop talking about the corkscrew?

ABBEY
Yeah.

AMY
Mrs. Bartlet, I wanted to ask you a question, but I'm not sure how.

ABBEY
What?

AMY
Well, if the most they can give you is a year's suspension, is it...?

ABBEY
That big a deal?

AMY
Yes.

ABBEY
Yes. I'm a doctor. It's not like changing your major. You of all people
should... I mean
women talk about their husbands overshadowing their careers. Mine got eaten.

C.J.
Your husband got eaten?

ABBEY
My career.

C.J.
Yeah. Well, I'm on dangling modifier patrol.

ABBEY
What's your problem?

C.J.
Are you First Lady right now?

ABBEY
What are you talking about?

C.J.
Sometimes you like to talk, and I think that's great, but sometimes you're
Abbey, and
sometimes you're my boss, and I respect both very much, but...

ABBEY
I'm Abbey.

C.J.
Yes. I agree with her. [points to Amy] Look, they take this job away from me,
I got
nothing. I don't have a cat. I could get one, but I don't have one. Frankly,
I'm not
wild about cats. I don't hate them. I'm just not... I could learn to like
them, I guess,
if I...

ABBEY
C.J.?

C.J.
You've got a husband, children, a home and a life. And we're talking about
one year of
your not having a medical license.

ABBEY
Jed got censured, and that came with no tangible penalty, and it was a banner
headline,
and he's having a slow nervous breakdown.

C.J.
That's different.

ABBEY
Why?

C.J.
Because it is, and you know it.

ABBEY
Okay. I'm First Lady again.

C.J.
Okay.

AMY
You're First Lady Abbey?

ABBEY
Yes.

AMY
And it's not like it's been a detour from health care.

ABBEY
No.

AMY
What? You've expanded Medicare to cover mammograms, cancer clinical
trials... That's
money that could've gone to Viagra. You were the one that said "no dice"
to cutting
infant nutrition programs, nursing home standards...

C.J.
There's plenty of stuff left.

AMY
...child immunizations, juvenile diabetes...

ABBEY
That's not the point.

AMY
What's the point?

ABBEY
I'm a doctor.

DONNA
Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, for crying out loud, you were also a doctor when your
husband said,
"Give me the drugs, and don't tell anybody," and you said, "Okay."

An uncomfortable silence fills the room. Everyone looks at Donna.

DONNA
Oh, my God. You switched back to First Lady.

ABBEY
That's all right.

DONNA
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Bartlet.

ABBEY
It's okay.

AMY
He took the censure standing up, Abbey. I was very proud to have voted for
him that day.

ABBEY
Me, too. [pause] Let's get back to the party.

Abbey gets up, and everyone else starts following her outside. In a MOVING
SHOT on the
floor below, outside, to the PORTICO, Bartlet and Charlie are still preparing
for the
toast. Charlie is sitting on the bench, listening to Bartlet, who is pacing.

BARTLET
Okay. Here we go.

CHARLIE
Time is tight.

BARTLET
That's when the juices get flowing.

CHARLIE
I'm not sure we have time for juices, sir.

BARTLET
I could tell the story of the ditch digger.

CHARLIE
Sir?

BARTLET
You know the story?

CHARLIE
I do not.

BARTLET
Abbey and I were walking along and we see a ditch digger, and I said,
"Aren't you glad
you married me? You could've married a ditch digger." And she said, "Jed,
if I'd married
him, he'd be President." What do you think?

CHARLIE
Not so sure, sir.

BARTLET
Why?

CHARLIE
'Cause it seems like a story about how cool you are.

BARTLET
It is.

CHARLIE
Do you love her?

BARTLET
Very deeply.

CHARLIE
That'll work fine. [stands]

BARTLET
No, it won't.

Charlie sits back down.

BARTLET
In my house, anyone who uses one word when they could have used ten just
isn't trying
hard. Let's keep at it.

Bartlet continues to pace. Charlie looks at his watch.

CUT TO: INT. BAR - NIGHT
Toby is now smoking a cigar. Marbury speaks.

MARBURY
The darkness in our sunshine, the shadow in our souls, the biblical sins of
the fathers.
For Americans, it's slavery. Slavery is your original sin. That and your
unfortunate
history with your aborigines.

TOBY
Native Americans.

MARBURY
For the English, it's Ireland.

TOBY
Well, they've given u s a couple of U.S. Presidents, a lot of Boston Democrats,
and half
of the New York City's Police Force.

MARBURY
Not to mention the song "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

TOBY
Yeah.

MARBURY
Centuries of... home rule, foiled by English conservatives or Ulster Orangemen,
immortal
martyrs, secret tribunals leading to public hangings, followed by
war... followed by,
followed by, followed by.

TOBY
So wouldn't you say we were doing you a favor?

MARBURY
By intervening?

TOBY
That is the act of a friend. What is left to do but talk? What could be
better for that
wounded place than sitting down and talking? What is better than sitting
down and talking?

MARBURY
Not to talk to Brendan McGann.

TOBY
We can't choose who.

MARBURY
Of course, you can't.

TOBY
Then what can we do but talk to him?

MARBURY
Nothing. You must talk to him.

TOBY
What?

MARBURY
Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid moments, and I know that England
is... running
out of turns in this particular... but as, uh, Ambassador to Her Majesty's
Government,
I must tell you that...

TOBY
Brendan McGann cannot come to the White House.

MARBURY
Yes.

TOBY
[beat] Understood, Mr. Ambassador.

MARBURY
[finishes his drink] Excellent.

Toby takes a puff from his cigar and watches the Ambassador as he pays for
his drink and
leaves the bar.

DISSOLVE TO: INT. SAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Dr. Dalton Millgate is back in the chair, talking to Sam.

MILLGATE
F.D.R. smoked.

SAM
Yeah.

MILLGATE
In the White House, Campobello, everywhere.

SAM
Yeah.

MILLGATE
He got reelected six or seven times.

SAM
Listen, is there no doctor you can see...

ENLOW
[walking in] Next time the Bartlets invite me over to a party, remind me to
bring five
legislative assistants and a loaded gun.

SAM
You got my note.

ENLOW
"All infrastructure projects earmarked for Illinois are about to be anonymously
blocked."

SAM
[stands] Let's play our game.

ENLOW
Don't make me mad.

SAM
Don't make me laugh.

ENLOW
Listen...

SAM
I couldn't figure out what this on the record/off the record crap was until
Dr. Millgate,
this is Dr. Millgate, by the way. [points to Millgate]

MILLGATE
Churchill smoked.

SAM
Until Dr. Millgate told me the thing is gonna be built in Illinois. So,
of course, you
have to be for it on the record, but off the record, it crowds out all the
pork you've
got your eye on, like the Senator Enlow Off-Ramp, Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino.

ENLOW
Don't send me notes anymore. [exits]

MILLGATE
Sam, screw the Fruit Loops.

SAM
Senator!

Enlow was already on the way out of the Communications Office. He stops,
turns, and goes
back to SAM'S OFFICE.

SAM
I apologize. I apologize for my tactics and my behavior.

ENLOW
Okay.

SAM
Okay. Please don't let that jeopardize, you know... The subcommittee should
have hearings
on this. There should be learned testimony.

ENLOW
I'm a Democrat, Sam. How's a 20 billion dollar astronomy lecture gonna help
the President
get elected?

SAM
It won't. "We've discovered a seamless, intellectual framework for the
universe" isn't
a good 30-second spot.

ENLOW
If only we could only say what benefit this thing has, but no one's been
able to do that.

MILLGATE
That's because great achievement has no road map. The X-ray's pretty good. So
is
penicillin. Neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I
mean, when the
electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. And now, we have an entire
world run by
electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't. They
invented
them.

SAM
Discovery.

MILLGATE
What?

SAM
That's the thing that you were... Discovery is what. That's what this is
used for.
It's for discovery.

ENLOW
Yeah, but you understand that even if this thing passed the Senate, it's
dead in the
House.

SAM
Just as long as democracy's not dead in the Senate.

ENLOW
I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.

SAM
'Cause you're scared of my threat?

ENLOW
Yes.

SAM
Good.

ENLOW
You think I was a hurdle. Good luck with the Appropriations Committee. [turns
to leave]

SAM
Thank you.

Enlow raises his hand goodbye on the way out.

MILLGATE
See, that wasn't so hard.

SAM
I've got to get back to the party.

MILLGATE
I've got to get on a train. [stands]

SAM
Oh, we can get you a room for the night.

MILLGATE
No. [puts his coat on]

SAM
God, Dalton, isn't there anything? Sloane-Kettering, or...?

Millgate shakes his head.

SAM
All right.

MILLGATE
Thanks, Sam.

SAM
Now you think I'd make a good physicist?

MILLGATE
No. But you're not bad for government help. [exits]

CUT TO: INT. RECEPTION HALL - NIGHT
Back in the party, Big Band music plays. Abbey, C.J. and Amy are standing
in front of a
table watching the band play and the couples dance. C.J., in pain, touches
her forehead.
Donna walks up from behind.

DONNA
Mrs. Bartlet?

ABBEY
Yes?

DONNA
Excuse me, but I'm so sorry about the way I spoke before.

ABBEY
Oh, don't be. You were good. I've got a surprise for you coming up.

DONNA
Really?

Josh walks up, passes by Amy, and goes to Donna.

JOSH
Excuse me.

DONNA
Yes?

JOSH
Donna... Actually... [turns to Amy] First of all, Amy...

AMY
Yes?

JOSH
[lowers his voice] I understand, and I forgive you.

AMY
You forgive me?

JOSH
I do.

AMY
What the hell kind of thing is that to...?

ABBEY
Honey.

AMY
Thank you for forgiving me, Josh. I appreciate that.

JOSH
No problem.

AMY
[under her breath] Jackass.

Abbey laughs at the remark. Josh turns back to Donna.

JOSH
Donna, you're an American again. INS has a grandfather clause. If you pass
a three-part
literacy test, an American history exam, and fill out a one-page form,
you're back.

DONNA
My adopted country.

ABBEY
Oh, Josh, I kind of wished you'd mentioned this before.

JOSH
Why?

Drumroll. Everyone looks at the band as they stand to play the Canadian
National Anthem,
"O, Canada." Two Canadian flags are raised in front of the group, where
Donna watches
in amazement.

DONNA
Wow.

ABBEY
You were very good in there, Donna.

Behind them, Bartlet approaches with Charlie.

BARTLET
[yells] What the hell is going on?!

ABBEY
Shh.

BARTLET
I was gone for 45 minutes. They were all Americans when I left.

DONNA
I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President.

Bartlet holds out his hand and takes Abbey aside. The band continues to play.

BARTLET
I called Nolan. I know I shouldn't have, but I'm sorry. The rules are
different when it
comes to my family. There isn't a man in America who doesn't understand
that. I also
think partiality isn't a vice in this case. He knows you, and that's a good
thing. He's
gonna consider not recusing himself.

ABBEY
I'm gonna voluntarily forfeit my license for the duration of our stay in
the White House.

Her decision comes as a surprise. Bartlet is speechless. The guests start
to sing.

GUESTS
O, Canada, our home and native land
True patriot love in all thy sons' command
With glowing hearts, we see thee rise...

Bartlet finally conjures up a response.

BARTLET
Okay. I'm gonna do a toast and everything in a minute, and I'll tell the
ditch story,
but I wanted to say that I love you very much.

Abbey is taken aback, fighting back tears.

ABBEY
I love you too, Jethro.

BARTLET
Don't call me that.

ABBEY
I think I will.

MARBURY
[walks up] Abigail!

ABBEY
Lord John!

MARBURY
May I grasp your breasts?

BARTLET
I'm standing right here!

ABBEY
You may kiss my cheek.

MARBURY
Excellent.

He does. Nearby, Leo walks by and stops.

LEO
Abbey.

MARBURY
Oh, Gerald.

LEO
I haven't had a chance to say happy birthday. Happy birthday, Abbey.

Leo kisses her on the cheek. Everyone else greets her.

ALL
Happy birthday, Abbey.

They all raise up their glasses in honor of the First Lady, as they sing
the final line
of the Canadian National Anthem.

GUESTS
O, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES.
FADE OUT.
THE END
* * *

The West Wing and all its characters are properties of Aaron Sorkin, John
Wells
Production, Warner Brothers Television, and NBC. No copyright infringement
is intended.

Episode 3.15 -- 'Dead Irish Writers'
Original Airdate: March 6, 2002, 9:00 EST

Transcribed by: Giorgio
April 24, 2002